I have a view in my head of this perfect man. Now everyone knows that view in your head will never come 100 % true but I’m wondering if any of these qualities exist in a man at all. First off what I’m looking for in a relationship is just very contradicting of itself. I want a traditionalist man who will let me be my wild self. I want a man who is happy bringing home the money while I stay at home and cook, clean and raise the children but I also want a man who’s happy with my open beliefs and has very similar taste in the bedroom which are completely different and not traditional at all. This man I have in my head has a physical labor job and is very strong and handy but yet is also smarter than me. Is it some sick flaw I have that I want a man smarter than me? I love it when men are smart and can help me out. I have this view of a quiet biker man with rugged hair and somewhat a little dirty from work. I’m a very loud talkative person and I want a man that only talks when he has something important to say. Not outward overly loving but loving and you can tell by the way he talks. I want him proud of me and how I can cook and clean. how do you find a traditionalist anyway? This man in my head is perfectly fine with living in the country on an old farm. In my future married life I see a very simplified life that involves living off the land and only having what we need. Are children will have what the need to have fun but I want them to have games that revolve around education and to play instruments and music for fun instead of video games. I want tv to be a story to them not an everyday activity. The very sad thing about my future dreams is how hard it is to leave such a simple life in these times and how no one craves simplicity anymore.
So I was quite suicidal last weekend. Very much at my end. This weekend is a whole new story with a whole new heart. I moved out of my parents house Wednesday. Very last-minute finally found a place to live and begged for her to let me move in before March. I moved in Thursday while the room-mate was at work. Its only been a few days and I have clarity. I’ve written a whole list of great do able goals that will help me in the future. I can clearly view how my family was effecting my life so much. I can not believe how blind I was and how it only took such a short few days to realize that being away and maybe forever is the best way for me to stay as a high functioning person.
I always assumed that family was number one. With the events that have happened to me in the last year I have realized family is supposed to mean and be number one but that’s only if they are healthy for you. I’m going to keep family at number one but I’m changing what family members to stay connected with and it’s not anything I expected to do.
When my niece was born in December I knew that angel was going to change my life. I was out-of-state for the birth and it killed me but the mother and my brother are not together and the mother as a strong person looking after herself. She moved home to Utah instead of staying here with my brother whom she was still loved. Now that I have talked to the mother quite a bit since the birth I’m beyond happy. Shes the strong woman I needed in my life! I wanted so much to look up to my mother for the rest of my life, have my first baby with her there and even my wedding with her there but it’s not possible. All the manipulating shes does and possible drug use my new life is not going to have her in it. I will not have my children around her unattended. She has no idea how much poison she has fed me over the years. My own therapist had said some people don’t talk to their mothers. That was a shock to me. Therapists are always out to help you fix things aND this woman who has met my mother says this. Shocking to me but ive realized ive needed it.
My Mother has been someone I looked up to and have taken all of her advice. In March of 2011 I decided to make my only decision I had ever made for my health that I made completely alone. Since that March my mom has acted like I was very dumb and low. The choice I made was to have a thyroidectomy because I had been diagnosed with Graves disease and it was getting very hard to treat and also effecting the bipolar very negatively. The specialist I Had been seeing said this was about the quickest and best option at that point. MY mother wanted me to do radioactive iodine treatment to kill it off but it takes 3 months to complete with a lot of side effects were the surgery was supposed to a one stay in the night ordeal. She was angry before and even made me go in by myself. I cried in the waiting room alone before the surgery. I was alone and have never felt so alone. Surgery did not go as planned when I was coming out I had a thyroid storm and my heart had issues with blood pressure being high in the valves. I also could not absorb calcium which I had no idea what that had controlled till this time. My muscles would just stop moving and crap up and be very painful. The stay ended up being 8 nights in the intensive care unit. Sounds like a big ordeal and I really do think that was one of the most physical pain ive been in but I would never take it back. Smartest thing done for my health to date! My bipolar immediately got better and I felt wonderful everyday. I had never realized I felt so sick everyday but once feeling great I lost 50 lbs and started eating healthy and becoming active. I still feel great about this but I Know my mother is poison because of the fact I feel great and ive seen my bipolar completely controlled on low doses of meds when I lived with my grandma. The bipolar was very much effected by the surgery in a great way. I went from 600mg of Seroquel to 50 mgs. My lamictal went from 200 mgs to 100 mgs. such an insane change. My mother was never happy for me at this point. She has never said anything positive about the weight loss and still implies that I lost it because of med changes and not working hard by changing my nutrition. She constantly talks about my 8 days in the hospital and is appalled by me when I say but I feel amazing! so why should those 8 days matter to me?
Now let me move on to the main lady of my life right now, the positive part. KaiLee my niece was definitely sent to the family for a reason like I felt when she was born. A little angel and my new guardian angel. So far KaiLee has brought the strongest woman I know into my life. Her mother is my saving grace. I have love hr beyond any love I have actually felt for someone. So I will still have family as number one but now I can evaluate what family will be number one. KaiLee and Brittany are now my number one family. Brittany has been through so much by herself that she should have not have. My family has shown her very little acceptance and it pains me to see that. She had brought out KaiLee this weekend and my family has not spent their time with her with complete open arms. I know shes’ not having the best time here but I’m beyond grateful. I’ve been able to put better goals on paper and really get more pumped up about my new life in Utah that I will have soon. I have never had a girl friend that I cared about so much id do ANYTHING but I feel that is how Brittany is. just a wonderful person. I’m looking forward to creating my own family in Utah and experiencing it with Brittany and KaiLee. These girls have changed my life around so much. I feel completely different even with my thoughts. My future has never felt so easily changeable and I feel I am capable of completing all my new goals in the next year. I know I’m a hard-working person but ive had self-pity and I’m glad by vision has cleared.
The new enviroment and soon to be large environment change will help me. I will no longer be poor Sarah with her crazy bills and bipolar. My bills are not crazy I can handle them. it helps not having family telling you your screwed money wise daily. I will say I have bipolar but I will never say I am bipolar anymore because I’m not bipolar I’m a fun, caring and positive. no longer including my family in my life will be the biggest change. I will no longer have people I live with daily point out medical conditions I have. My body and health are private and don’t belong to family.
So much love in my heart these days.
As you can see its snowing a lot so thanks for getting through that giant read guys!
So I can already see myself on Dr. Phil saying I swear I didn’t mean to become a porn star I was just so bipolar. Ok, so maybe I wouldn’t I just like thinking dramatically. I’m usually this hyper sexual when I’m balanced but it seems when I’m not balanced like now I make some insane decisions. I started a tumblr where I pretty much only post semi nudes of myself. probably would have done that before but I have been posting without thinking. Would have been smarter before maybe? more Secret with my tattoos showing? Not sure in some way I want people to look at me naked. I’m so proud of my body and seem to be the only woman who is. Even when I was 50 lbs heavier I loved my body and felt sexy. Maybe it has something to do with the red hair…come on I’m 99% of the straight males fantasy. not even lying. I mean I knew men had a thing for red heads but not till I started online dating WOAH men insanely sexualize redheads in every kind of way. thank goodness I’m a perv.
Thank you Lana Del Rey for getting that sad ass song stuck in my head. I feel like I’ve given up. Some how staying at my grandmas house tonight feels lower than picking at my vein with a sewing needle. Seriously I don’t know what to do. Tomorrow should be a brand new day. That’s all I keep telling myself. I have therapy at 11:00 am and a physiatrist appointment at 3:30. Dreading the 3:30 appointment, usually I have no problem with them but I’m not seeing the regular doctor. I’m seeing my moms. She most of the cause I feel. So maybe seeing her doctor will help? I sure hope so. Looking at the photo I posted earlier I’m disgusted! My eyes are so puffy from crying everyday! I’ve had to even by a new eye cream. I picked at my own veins! This is how I know I’m down hill! I care about my looks but mainly it’s because I don’t want a scar to stare at everyday to remind me I’m screwed up. God I hope this appointment changes something. FYI the Latuda I was so excited about apparently magnified the suicidal thoughts. I just want to change and if I have to deal with bipolar my whole life maybe i would be better off gone. Not really sure how I’m going to sleep.
So this is what I started the blog for. Finally got around to it!
So as a natural redhead we pretty much have no advice out there for us whether its makeup, hair styles or clothing. I know the hairstyle category does not make sense to anyone who is not a redhead, but really there are some serious hairstyles we can not do. There are no tutorials for us and a lot of us don’t have mothers who are redheads to give us advice. So here are some of my tips and great makeup items that should be a must in your makeup bag. I’m going to start with the most important.
Anastasia brow pencil in Strawburn (also brow powder in strawburn if you prefer a powder)
Everyday Minerals Soft bronzer
Everyday Minerals Semi or matte base
Clinque chubby stick in Heaping Hazelnut
Any great brown mascara
any great peachy blush (I love Maybelline dream bouncy in coffee cake)
Purple eyeliner or shadow ( sounds silly but when you want that “natural” look this works better than brown for us)
Also have a list of tips I’ve seen on websites, heard from friends or professional makeup artists that I think are flat-out wrong! I’m not sure they must be jealous and want us to look like clowns but I’ve heard some horrid things recommended to redheads.
Always wear black mascara (hello! way to harsh on us)
Never wear nudes it will wash you out ( Since when do you only apply a nude eyeshadow and nudes look great on us!)
Always wear pinks (peaches look much better on us)
You can’t wear bronzer its too dark and you’ll look dirty ( we all need sculpting, find the right shade!and make it matte)
I know there’s much more ive hear that has made me crinch but those are defiantly the top ones. If you’re having trouble finding a light enough shade for your face like I did try everydayminerals.com. they literally have like a million shades of fair. I wear fair neutral in a matte base. Very fair-skinned friendly makeup company and they offer 7 samples for a penny which I just love and it helped me find my perfect shade. Remember ladies we are extremely lucky to have our fair skin and red hair so embrace and love it. You have really earned it after all the shades we can’t wear and teasing we’ve endured.
I left my house Friday night on the intent of killing myself, Drove off with about 90 Ativan and was going to take all of them. Did I? No. I’m just a scary cat these days. I wont go to a party if it’s too late. I wont go to a bar if I think I might have one beer and I even wont go to a restaurant if they have no parking lot. So what happened when I got to the middle of nowhere to take those pills… I took 4 a whole 2 mg. Not a lethal dose at all. I did end up taking much more but pretty much something that would equal a prescribed dose.
I sat and thought about my attempt when I was 12 I think I remember it being on my moms birthday. how nice this would have been on my brother’s birthday. I do believe people who want to kill themselves have a right to it without people thinking their selfish but on someone else’s birthday is never a good idea. My brother sent me texts the whole time wanting me to come home. I just wanted to talk to my mom. Sure my brother makes me really want to kill myself from time to time but my mother makes me want to kill and kill myself. I should probably be banned from seeing my mom but yet with the little friends I have I’m stuck with her. she makes me feel like such an awful person and yet she has not said one thing about the Friday incident. She was the reason I went out.
So i had some hope at one point in my life i’d have normal life goals. you know like wanting to be a lawyer or doctor. maybe even someones wife. Where am i at today with my goals at 23 years old. Well lets see I have three total…
The only one that should really be a real goal is moving to Utah. I’m very disappointed i thought when i was healthy id have healthier goals. When i was the sanest I’ve been in life, id say ,middle of 2012 thats the time i came up with the porn site and the job as a clown. I really think i could make enough money off my website to be able to live as a clown because I’m sure you wouldn’t make much money being a clown.
But really Sarah these are your goals you think about daily? Damn i only had the balls to tell my therapist the Utah one and i tell all the people in my life about the other two and they think it’s a joke. Those are the ones my hearts in. Sad.
As an american who loves her country very much and looking at the recent issues and watching the state of the union address I’m not quite sure how every one can be so blind. What we have here isn’t a gun issue. Yes I do think we need to have a bit stricter laws when it comes to buying a gun and having certain types of ammo but I think for the most part what we are facing is a mental health crisis. What I have heard from people around me and some law makers is just going to magnify the problem. There are plenty of mentally ill people who are aware of their condition and take great care of themselves. If they want to go hunting they have in my mind all right to own a gun. Your mental health should not come into play with these background checks. If you’re doing a through enough job with a criminal background check you will weed out a good majority of the mentally ill that should not have guns because you know they are violent because of the types of crimes they have been arrested for.
But there is also another part to it. If everyone continues to put anyone diagnosed with a mental illness into a “violent” category they will be pushed further and further into feeling like complete outcasts. A lot of these crimes committed by these people i think could have been avoided. Most of these people in my eyes have been pushed. After years of going to school and feeling alone , after years of going to work feeling alone, even years of being with your own family and still feeling alone it only take that last action of one person for your whole outlook to sour. It happened to me except I didn’t shoot any place up I have just turned into a very negative 23-year-old who has almost lost all her care for the world. Violence does not upset me anymore like it should. I want people to change how they treat these people. I’m more sensitive and i hate hearing that people just don’t like to take their medication, that they like to drink or do drugs instead. NO they hate taking their medication because it makes them feel awful! I don’t know anyone who has had no side effects to a psych med. Also its expensive. I work in a pharmacy and i can not believe the people who pay $800 for just 15 days worth of a med but i know if i ever end up without insurance that might be me. And seriously people stop judging people. The ones getting help are not the ones to be afraid of…and that also brings me back to medical history and buying a gun. Come on all the people to be scared of have not been to a doctor! There is going to be no history!
Guess what guys? If any of this gun control is changed, as long as they keep medical history out i think it will be for the good. But these people who have been mistreated they aren’t dumb. mentally ill does not mean dumb and they will find other weapons. trust me. we have to change how we treat each other.
A blog reaching out to victims of abuse and others in need, providing insight about abuse, hope for the future, and guidance to see THE LIGHT that lead Secret Angel out of the darkness of her own abusive situation and helped her to not only survive but to overcome.