Today I went to the funeral of my cousin. There is no reason she should be dead but i’m not sure about my feelings on it. I have a very strong belief that if you kill yourself its good because you obviously were going through enough pain in your life to want to end it and whats better for your loved one constant pain or bliss in heave? Now Paige’s death was not a suicide and really so far we have no cause but what they think happened is she took some bad drugs or too much.
What brings a human to do drugs is simple…theres pain somewhere in their life no matter if its physical or emotional pain. I know Paige went through a lot. She was a very strong woman and the last time I was able to sit and talk with her she had told me about some new mood medications she had started and how she was happier and feeling healthier. We didn’t talk to much that visit of mental illness but I know we’ve have gone through some of the same things. When I was 12 and tried to kill myself the whole family had ignored the incident while Paige on the other hand only 15 or 16 at the time brought it up very boldly with me. She said “I heard you tried to kill yourself. Don’t do that!” I still think about that phrase everytime I think of suicide. Every one always believes that not mentioning certain things will make it better but her voicing her clear disapproval of me helped me at the time and continues. This woman I compare to myself and say is the family member most closely like me is hardly to being like me. She makes me want to be a stronger friendlier person. We had that conversation about mood meds and I was so happy for her but at that point she was already such a strong soul. I like to bitch and complain about my life and what gets thrown at me but nothing compares to what was thrown at her…and she made it this far. She pushed and survived and I know if I went through even a portion of that I would have given up. Paige did not have a great childhood but she made her adult life work…it wasn’t what people usually expect but she took things as they came. There was no preventing this I think. She was so happy and healthy looking last time and I felt so loved by her. Amazing girl she always was smiling…we all have wars and although hers was pretty intense she always would respct and listen to yours, no judgement. I hope her death will help me force myself to be a better friend to people. She had enough love for her family and strangers. Though it was a weird death I do think her mind is better. I love her soo much and always will and wish I had seen her most. In these situations I realize where my anti social attitude has kept me from people I feel very comfortable around…even ones who out right love me and I have fun with.
this was a rambling and I didn’t want to spell check it…sorry guys