I started to think of what I was doing differently when I was so happy back in 2012. I was somewhat believing in god. I say somewhat because there’s a doubt all of my family members that are verbal around me are strict atheists. So dealing with this crazy “breakup” situation I started talking to god again. I’m not even sure what to call this situation, I’m heart broke for sure but I’m not sure it’s from the loss of the relationship. I would say I was in love with the man I Skype with and talked to twenty-four seven through text with but Austin the guy who I picked up from the airport was an abusive man no sweetness like the Skype Austin. I was upset the day he landed I think I was mourning the relationship day he landed but now what am I so upset about? what am I asking god about? I’m asking him and hoping for help because this situation threw in my face how lonely and desperate I was for love. As long as Austin and I got married he was somewhat stuck with me right? even if I had to listen to how fat or out of rhythm I was? I was willing to deal with that for someone to be around. Today I’m pretty sick can barely do a thing so I’m in bed just thinking about how I have no one around me to comfort me in the slightest way. I can’t always resort to sex it’s not healthy. I have men who want to be with me but I keep them away. I guess I don’t even want to be loved I just want someone around? Austin moved a different Colorado girl back to Hawaii with him…wow a “week” alone and he found someone. I shouldn’t be hurt but I’ve been trying to be so strong for months now and I keep getting put down. God what am I still doing wrong?? I want to die but I’m not suicidal…its such a worse feeling at least when your suicidal you have a feeling like you have a plan and are going somewhere I just feel like i’m floating in the middle of nowhere.
I apologize for the poorly written blog I put up but I hope it helps some people I know it helps me for sure and I’m going to try to make a list of things people do enjoy about me because I have these things in my head that Austin had try to tear me down for and I think every single one of them had been given to me previously as a compliment.
-I only listen and dance to music like no one is watching
-I’m a very smart airhead
-I enjoy making myself look good
-Just a plain goofball
-Can find my own entertainment anywhere
-Stay positive no matter whats going on
-Been told I’m strong
-Run to feel clear headed
Seems like every time I hit a low low I’ve been pretending to be something or someone else in the weeks before. I thought I was in love with this man I previously mentioned but it was just me striving to be normal. While he was in town I tried to suppress every thing I knew about myself and bipolar. I want so badly for a normal life and to say I don’t suffer from bipolar but the fact is I do. We didn’t get along from the get go and I tried and tried to impress him with so called “normal” activity. I drank more in the last two week then in the last ten years of my life. So when that break up finally occurred yesterday did I handle it in a normal adult like way? Nope I acted like a kid kicking and screaming. If I was doing the same things to take care of myself as I have been doing in the last 2 years I would have been upset and just asked him to leave. I wasted all that money continuing to take my antipsychotics while drinking that much. My mental health pretty much went backwards and now he is gone and I’m scared as to how long the recovery period will be mentally from drinking so much. I’m glad he broke it off because my want for a normal life almost locked me into a mentally abusive relationship. Going to try not to be blind in the future but normal is what I crave and I crave it badly enough to subject myself to such things. I’ve never felt so low about myself as I did with this man and I’m not really sure how long it’s going to take my self esteem to recover . I was a strong healthy female who no one could tell had a mental illness and in 2 months I’m down to a scared push over who wants to actually lay down on the floor kicking and screaming. I need to never stop taking care of myself. I know what my body needs to function and I wish I had more will power to push through the want to not take medication and to drink and party and have no health responsibilities.
In the last year I have lost 50 lbs. sure I deserve a congratulations for it because I lost it in a healthy way… But it might not have been has healthy as I preceived it in my mind. I’ve slowly have been going down hill. With my life suddenly being out of control I felt like I had to micro manage what I ate and anything I put in my body as a way to feel control over some part of my life. I slowly gained control again and felt comfortable eating foods I wanted too but never put on weight. Now that I’m lighter I have the worst self esteem I’ve had in my life. When I was “chubby” I got so much attention I was happy and comfortable with myself. I was great in bed and now what am I? I’m an awkward unhappy girl who had a better body you would never notice because her personality is so hard to get along with. But now I have Austin the man I thought I was in love with but now see as someone who might push to be a compulsive exerciser and I already feel completely guilty for eating foods not that bad….
Recent events in my life have made me wonder how stubborn I really am or maybe how much I want to relive how my great great grand parents possibly lived. This military man came across me quite a few months ago and I didn’t really think twice. He lives in Hawaiie I’m Colorado what is there to think about? He was talking marriage already and while it sounded cool I still was living with my parents completely unaware of what was to come in the months to come. You all should have read the update on my family. Pretty much I left to fend for my own in February because of mental abuse and betrayal. So lets see march through beginning of march went by fine then my work started screwing with my hours. All of a sudden my joke that this man was going to save me became an actual idea in my head. He bought a plane ticket out.
So let me tell you were I am now. We are driving back from buying HIM new clothes. Still in Colorado spending almost 100% of the day together and it’s awful . He’s bought a plane ticket and the marriage is still planned. I can tell he doesn’t enjoy me much either but his mood swings are so severe I should just say fuck it. Every thing out of his mouth is an insult to me and I can never be right about anything… Even if I’m clearly right. This is where I’m trying to decide if I’m stubborn or if I just want to experience how marriage has been for thousands of years. Marriage was meant to benefit you that’s why they did it. The way this looks it should clearly benefit me and i would so much like to say that history and my love for it is the reason id go through harassment but I think it’s deep down because I’m stubborn. This is clearly a bad idea I’ve been having nighares about…. Why am I not backing out??