I’m not ashamed to admit that I enjoy sex and I am diagnosed with a mental illness but I find it very strange at what things I take as compliments and things that give me little boosts of self-esteem in social and romantic situations. Way back in february , March and April I was sleeping with a man just for fun no strings attached. Since my breakup with Austin I had not seen this man. I saw him this morning, We drove to another girls house and it was a long car ride it was nice even though I can not stand to have long conversations with people im sleeping with. He said one thing that I couldn’t believe how good I felt about. I don’t think its something that I should take badly any way I think it was a true compliment.
What he said was this girl’s house we were driving to was the only girl he was sleeping with that wasn’t extremely crazy. I giggled and he said “I’m not calling you extremely crazy you take care of yourself. These other women try to be manipulative and with you you have a bad day and realize it and the next day apologize. you know you have an illness and you take care of it. these other girls don’t even realize their crazy. They think the world around them is crazy.”
I understand I’ve got an illness and I’m not going to try to feel bad about it and I try so hard to let my friends know because I want them to know how sincere I am when I apologize. With this man I had only one bad day with him and I had talked to him daily for 3 months. I find that to be impressive. Its funny I did so well around this guy when I finally had that bad day back in May and I apologized and said I was bipolar he didn’t even believe me. This man is a doctor and he couldn’t even believe I had that diagnosis. He didn’t realize till he saw my meds I wasn’t lying and that I was seen regularly and that’s why he couldn’t tell months into the friendship that I was bipolar. Point is I think when people around me acknowledge how much I do for my health its an extremely big compliment. For someone who practices medicine not to notice for months I had an issue makes me light up. I also feel sadness for how fast I crumbled in July but a fast fall with bipolar can also be followed by a fast recovery and I have felt that’s the direction I’m going in.
Pretty much every DJ I slept with I regret. That’s low boys I usually don’t regret and if I was going to start there’s plenty of others that should be ahead of you.
I’m really bad at loosing track of time or really just having no concept of time. Two weeks can feel like a year and at the same time over a year ago can feel like yesterday. Today I actually sat down and looked. It felt like what I had with Austin went on forever but it was just 3 months and the first month I didn’t even take seriously . After my shower today though I was thinking about June 2nd, July 2nd and now today August 2nd. Oh how my world was completely different each month.
June I was so happy. Austin was in Hawaii but this was the man I feel heartbreak over the loss of. This man was attentive and we talked whenever we could. Only time I didn’t hear from him was when one of us was asleep. He cared about me and we shared what I thought was everything.
July 2nd I was realizing the Austin was actually a cold person who had severe mood swings and was annoyed easily. Constantly trying not to upset him I resorted to not talking at all. I hated him this week. We had gone up to grand lake, co my favorite place on earth and he pouted the whole time. On the way back I asked him to stay with friends only then learning he had no friends in which he could stay with which he used before he came out to make me comfortable with allowing him to stay with me. I should have stuck to my gut then and told him to leave it would have been easier then.
Now today August 2nd where am I ? Still in Colorado and beyond confused as to where my life is heading. I again am putting in my two weeks notice for a move . Quite embarrassing considering I did this a month ago and even received going away gifts and parties. This time I’ve decided to move to Nebraska. I’m amazed at the reactions to it from those around me. No one liked Austin but they were excited for my move to Hawaii and now that its Nebraska I get the response of “there’s nothing there you’ll hate it” I’m moving there for my cousin, my best friend. I want to have someone except the love I give and maybe give it back. I need a life with love not a lonely one where I’m so unhappy I consider moving to an island with an emotionally abusive guy who knows nothing about me.
What my life now is is just a cluster fuck of confusion and wanting. I never try at relationships/ friendships and I put so much effort and energy into Austin that I’m just trying to push myself to still do this. Not all first tries work out I tell myself but I’m exhausted and want it to be over. Like I said in the last post I want to die but I’m not suicidal and that’s one weird feeling.