Exhausted

I’m really bad at loosing track of time or really just having no concept of time. Two weeks can feel like a year and at the same time over a year ago can feel like yesterday. Today I actually sat down and looked. It felt like what I had with Austin went on forever but it was just 3 months and the first month I didn’t even take seriously . After my shower today though I was thinking about June 2nd, July 2nd and now today August 2nd. Oh how my world was completely different each month.

June I was so happy. Austin was in Hawaii but this was the man I feel heartbreak over the loss of. This man was attentive and we talked whenever we could. Only time I didn’t hear from him was when one of us was asleep. He cared about me and we shared what I thought was everything.

July 2nd I was realizing the Austin was actually a cold person who had severe mood swings and was annoyed easily. Constantly trying not to upset him I resorted to not talking at all. I hated him this week. We had gone up to grand lake, co my favorite place on earth and he pouted the whole time. On the way back I asked him to stay with friends only then learning he had no friends in which he could stay with which he used before he came out to make me comfortable with allowing him to stay with me. I should have stuck to my gut then and told him to leave it would have been easier then.

Now today August 2nd where am I ? Still in Colorado and beyond confused as to where my life is heading. I again am putting in my two weeks notice for a move . Quite embarrassing considering I did this a month ago and even received going away gifts and parties. This time I’ve decided to move to Nebraska. I’m amazed at the reactions to it from those around me. No one liked Austin but they were excited for my move to Hawaii and now that its Nebraska I get the response of “there’s nothing there you’ll hate it” I’m moving there for my cousin, my best friend. I want to have someone except the love I give and maybe give it back. I need a life with love not a lonely one where I’m so unhappy I consider moving to an island with an emotionally abusive guy who knows nothing about me.

What my life now is is just a cluster fuck of confusion and wanting. I never try at relationships/ friendships and I put so much effort and energy into Austin that I’m just trying to push myself to still do this. Not all first tries work out I tell myself but I’m exhausted and want it to be over. Like I said in the last post I want to die but I’m not suicidal and that’s one weird feeling.

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