I feel like there’s no grey in my life. By that I mean I’m either one extreme or the other. Now I’m not talking about mood currently but more about lifestyle. I either love people or hate them. I either love life or hate it. I’m laying here wondering if I’ll ever love Joe the way I did in December and January or if that ship has sailed far far away. After a fight yesterday he told me that he believes we have the same view on life. Just him saying that made me think ignored. Has he heard anything about my life? We are so different and I don’t know why I see it but he doesn’t . I want to live in the middle of no where with someone special. I want to live off of the land and barely make a dime. I don’t have any desire to travel. He has to be around people. He has to impress people. He had to make lots of money and own lots of things. Why are we together??? He is the least caring person. I don’t know where to go. I clearly have something wrong with me because I don’t feel welcome to go back home but how did I find a man like this? Yesterday we got into a fight and he said we should end it. I agreed and freaked out and said we could work. Why does someone who shows no care for me want me around. I need to change my actions. Where is my mountain man?Where is my roofer? Where is my railroad worker? Where is a man that I can proudly call my man? I’m not looking for perfection actually I seem very attracted to a guy that doesn’t seem perfect… I’m lost
How did I end up here? I’m laying in a bed of a man I call my boyfriend. It’s a better relationship than the previous but really when I think about my happiness is it better? He can’t remember anything about me. He’s known me for months but with his weed induced memory he only has enough information to form a basic outline of my life. The same outline a stranger would draw. Tonight he asked me if I read… I’ve read in front of him. He then asked me what I read about , when I told him I read about history , medical history and pharmaceuticals he seemed impressed. Why so impressed? These are facts he should have known since day 2. He only can remember how many sexual partners I’ve had and that the last one in Colorado was a doctor. The guy meant nothing to me so why does he remember him ? I lay here wondering how I got myself in this mess or if it’s me who is pushing people away and making relationships fail. I don’t think I was ever addicted to sex I was addicted to attention. I text nick and his friends just wanting them to say something about my looks. I try not to blame things on my bipolar but the feeling of being from a far galaxy still is so strong. Will I ever have a human connection with someone?
So I’ve been in Omaha since august now. I did get hospitalized in December and got some really good therapy but now ive been back and am not really getting good therapy at all. I’m in a relationship now with a man I do believe I love but each day I do think multiple times “Am I settling?” “Can I get better?”. He is very caring some of the time but there are times where I feel like an alien.
Joe comes from a different world. Its like a movie. two different types of people coming together to make a couple. He has seen no human suffering. The worst thing about his child hood was hearing his parents fight. I’m jealous. I wish that’s all I experienced negatively has a child. I wish I wasn’t left alone I wish I had an education. He makes a big deal to me about getting a college education and he asks like I haven’t worked for anything I have. Its hard just to get through day to day life. Battling thoughts in my head and my goal in life is to be happy and have enough money to eat and have a house. He wants to travel and “make a difference” his idea of that is to help people with sustainability. That seems like non sense to me. Yes we all shouldn’t take more than we need but this comes from a man who owns every new electronic, owns and smokes out of $1,000 + bongs and will only eat organic foods. I just cant see him making much of a difference.
I wonder am I settling? I get my feelings hurt daily by him but I can tell he cares. When we talk about things though I cant believe how different our worlds have been. I work so hard at life and he thinks ive been slacking. I don’t want him to feel bad for me but id like for him to awknowledge where I come from and that I work hard to live.
i’m too exhausted to edit this but want to post it so I apologize now