Where’s the grey?

I feel like there’s no grey in my life. By that I mean I’m either one extreme or the other. Now I’m not talking about mood currently but more about lifestyle. I either love people or hate them. I either love life or hate it. I’m laying here wondering if I’ll ever love Joe the way I did in December and January or if that ship has sailed far far away. After a fight yesterday he told me that he believes we have the same view on life. Just him saying that made me think ignored. Has he heard anything about my life? We are so different and I don’t know why I see it but he doesn’t . I want to live in the middle of no where with someone special. I want to live off of the land and barely make a dime. I don’t have any desire to travel. He has to be around people. He has to impress people. He had to make lots of money and own lots of things. Why are we together??? He is the least caring person. I don’t know where to go. I clearly have something wrong with me because I don’t feel welcome to go back home but how did I find a man like this? Yesterday we got into a fight and he said we should end it. I agreed and freaked out and said we could work. Why does someone who shows no care for me want me around. I need to change my actions. Where is my mountain man?Where is my roofer? Where is my railroad worker? Where is a man that I can proudly call my man? I’m not looking for perfection actually I seem very attracted to a guy that doesn’t seem perfect… I’m lost

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Omaha April 2014

How did I end up here? I’m laying in a bed of a man I call my boyfriend. It’s a better relationship than the previous but really when I think about my happiness is it better? He can’t remember anything about me. He’s known me for months but with his weed induced memory he only has enough information to form a basic outline of my life. The same outline a stranger would draw. Tonight he asked me if I read… I’ve read in front of him. He then asked me what I read about , when I told him I read about history , medical history and pharmaceuticals he seemed impressed. Why so impressed? These are facts he should have known since day 2. He only can remember how many sexual partners I’ve had and that the last one in Colorado was a doctor. The guy meant nothing to me so why does he remember him ? I lay here wondering how I got myself in this mess or if it’s me who is pushing people away and making relationships fail. I don’t think I was ever addicted to sex I was addicted to attention. I text nick and his friends just wanting them to say something about my looks. I try not to blame things on my bipolar but the feeling of being from a far galaxy still is so strong. Will I ever have a human connection with someone?

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Bipolar so settle?

So I’ve been in Omaha since august now. I did get hospitalized in December and got some really good therapy but now ive been back and am not really getting good therapy at all. I’m in a relationship now with a man I do believe I love but each day I do think multiple times “Am I settling?” “Can I get better?”. He is very caring some of the time but there are times where I feel like an alien.
Joe comes from a different world. Its like a movie. two different types of people coming together to make a couple. He has seen no human suffering. The worst thing about his child hood was hearing his parents fight. I’m jealous. I wish that’s all I experienced negatively has a child. I wish I wasn’t left alone I wish I had an education. He makes a big deal to me about getting a college education and he asks like I haven’t worked for anything I have. Its hard just to get through day to day life. Battling thoughts in my head and my goal in life is to be happy and have enough money to eat and have a house. He wants to travel and “make a difference” his idea of that is to help people with sustainability. That seems like non sense to me. Yes we all shouldn’t take more than we need but this comes from a man who owns every new electronic, owns and smokes out of $1,000 + bongs and will only eat organic foods. I just cant see him making much of a difference.
I wonder am I settling? I get my feelings hurt daily by him but I can tell he cares. When we talk about things though I cant believe how different our worlds have been. I work so hard at life and he thinks ive been slacking. I don’t want him to feel bad for me but id like for him to awknowledge where I come from and that I work hard to live.
i’m too exhausted to edit this but want to post it so I apologize now

Go to the gym…

That will fix you right up! Lol not. As someone with bipolar I hear this a lot. Don’t get me wrong exercise helps me quite and bit and I’m all for it but since being I’m Nebraska (yea moved here instead of Hawaii) I’ve been rabid cycling. This is a total shock of having no support system here and going through this. I told the guy I’ve bed hanging out with I was having issues. Felt he deserved and explanation since I had freaked out on him a few times already. His response was I needed to change my thoughts and exercise. He is sweet and I know he meant well but if you’ve dealt with bipolar you know it’s a little or ok let’s say it how it is ALOT more than just changing your thoughts and exercising. Why would I sabotage my own life? Few months back I was under control and the happiest I could be… There’s no way I would choose this state of mine over that. Sadly I still wasn’t great but not dealing with any huge thoughts that had no basis for thinking about. No support system though and as much as it kills me because she’s screwed me over and overly babies me at least mom realizes I can’t control it at all at some points. She seems to think it’s all the time but at least she has some understanding of what I deal with and how hard I try.

What is a compliment?

5e854ace1c41ff3afe31ff66716e6d77I’m not ashamed to admit that I enjoy sex and I am diagnosed with a mental illness but I find it very strange at what things I take as compliments and things that give me little boosts of self-esteem in social and romantic situations. Way back in february , March and April I was sleeping with a man just for fun no strings attached. Since my breakup with Austin I had not seen this man. I saw him this morning, We drove to another girls house and it was a long car ride it was nice even though I can not stand to have long conversations with people im sleeping with. He said one thing that I couldn’t believe how good I felt about. I don’t think its something that I should take badly any way I think it was a true compliment.

What he said was this girl’s house we were driving to was the only girl he was sleeping with that wasn’t extremely crazy. I giggled and he said “I’m not calling you extremely crazy you take care of yourself. These other women try to be manipulative and with you you have a bad day and realize it and the next day apologize. you know you have an illness and you take care of it. these other girls don’t even realize their crazy. They think the world around them is crazy.”

I understand I’ve got an illness and I’m not going to try to feel bad about it and I try so hard to let my friends know because I want them to know how sincere I am when I apologize. With this man I had only one bad day with him and I had talked to him daily for 3 months. I find that to be impressive. Its funny I did so well around this guy when I finally had that bad day back in May and I apologized and said I was bipolar he didn’t even believe me. This man is a doctor and he couldn’t even believe I had that diagnosis. He didn’t realize till he saw my meds I wasn’t lying and that I was seen regularly and that’s why he couldn’t tell months into the friendship that I was bipolar. Point is I think when people around me acknowledge how much I do for my health its an extremely big compliment. For someone who practices medicine not to notice for months I had an issue makes me light up. I also feel sadness for how fast I crumbled in July but a fast fall with bipolar can also be followed by a fast recovery and I have felt that’s the direction I’m going in.

Djs

Pretty much every DJ I slept with I regret. That’s low boys I usually don’t regret and if I was going to start there’s plenty of others that should be ahead of you.

Exhausted

I’m really bad at loosing track of time or really just having no concept of time. Two weeks can feel like a year and at the same time over a year ago can feel like yesterday. Today I actually sat down and looked. It felt like what I had with Austin went on forever but it was just 3 months and the first month I didn’t even take seriously . After my shower today though I was thinking about June 2nd, July 2nd and now today August 2nd. Oh how my world was completely different each month.

June I was so happy. Austin was in Hawaii but this was the man I feel heartbreak over the loss of. This man was attentive and we talked whenever we could. Only time I didn’t hear from him was when one of us was asleep. He cared about me and we shared what I thought was everything.

July 2nd I was realizing the Austin was actually a cold person who had severe mood swings and was annoyed easily. Constantly trying not to upset him I resorted to not talking at all. I hated him this week. We had gone up to grand lake, co my favorite place on earth and he pouted the whole time. On the way back I asked him to stay with friends only then learning he had no friends in which he could stay with which he used before he came out to make me comfortable with allowing him to stay with me. I should have stuck to my gut then and told him to leave it would have been easier then.

Now today August 2nd where am I ? Still in Colorado and beyond confused as to where my life is heading. I again am putting in my two weeks notice for a move . Quite embarrassing considering I did this a month ago and even received going away gifts and parties. This time I’ve decided to move to Nebraska. I’m amazed at the reactions to it from those around me. No one liked Austin but they were excited for my move to Hawaii and now that its Nebraska I get the response of “there’s nothing there you’ll hate it” I’m moving there for my cousin, my best friend. I want to have someone except the love I give and maybe give it back. I need a life with love not a lonely one where I’m so unhappy I consider moving to an island with an emotionally abusive guy who knows nothing about me.

What my life now is is just a cluster fuck of confusion and wanting. I never try at relationships/ friendships and I put so much effort and energy into Austin that I’m just trying to push myself to still do this. Not all first tries work out I tell myself but I’m exhausted and want it to be over. Like I said in the last post I want to die but I’m not suicidal and that’s one weird feeling.

Lonely girl

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I started to think of what I was doing differently when I was so happy back in 2012. I was somewhat believing in god. I say somewhat because there’s a doubt all of my family members that are verbal around me are strict atheists. So dealing with this crazy “breakup” situation I started talking to god again. I’m not even sure what to call this situation, I’m heart broke for sure but I’m not sure it’s from the loss of the relationship. I would say I was in love with the man I Skype with and talked to twenty-four seven through text with but Austin the guy who I picked up from the airport was an abusive man no sweetness like the Skype Austin. I was upset the day he landed I think I was mourning the relationship day he landed but now what am I so upset about? what am I asking god about? I’m asking him and hoping for help because this situation threw in my face how lonely and desperate I was for love. As long as Austin and I got married he was somewhat stuck with me right? even if I had to listen to how fat or out of rhythm I was? I was willing to deal with that for someone to be around. Today I’m pretty sick can barely do a thing so I’m in bed just thinking about how I have no one around me to comfort me in the slightest way. I can’t always resort to sex it’s not healthy. I have men who want to be with me but I keep them away. I guess I don’t even want to be loved I just want someone around? Austin moved a different Colorado girl back to Hawaii with him…wow a “week” alone and he found someone. I shouldn’t be hurt but I’ve been trying to be so strong for months now and I keep getting put down. God what am I still doing wrong?? I want to die but I’m not suicidal…its such a worse feeling at least when your suicidal you have a feeling like you have a plan and are going somewhere I just feel like i’m floating in the middle of nowhere.

I apologize for the poorly written blog I put up but I hope it helps some people I know it helps me for sure and I’m going to try to make a list of things people do enjoy about me because I have these things in my head that Austin had try to tear me down for and I think every single one of them had been given to me previously as a compliment.

-I only listen and dance to music like no one is watching
-I’m a very smart airhead
-I enjoy making myself look good
-Just a plain goofball
-Can find my own entertainment anywhere
-Stay positive no matter whats going on
-Been told I’m strong
-Eat right
-Run to feel clear headed

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Just pretending

Seems like every time I hit a low low I’ve been pretending to be something or someone else in the weeks before. I thought I was in love with this man I previously mentioned but it was just me striving to be normal. While he was in town I tried to suppress every thing I knew about myself and bipolar. I want so badly for a normal life and to say I don’t suffer from bipolar but the fact is I do. We didn’t get along from the get go and I tried and tried to impress him with so called “normal” activity. I drank more in the last two week then in the last ten years of my life. So when that break up finally occurred yesterday did I handle it in a normal adult like way? Nope I acted like a kid kicking and screaming. If I was doing the same things to take care of myself as I have been doing in the last 2 years I would have been upset and just asked him to leave. I wasted all that money continuing to take my antipsychotics while drinking that much. My mental health pretty much went backwards and now he is gone and I’m scared as to how long the recovery period will be mentally from drinking so much. I’m glad he broke it off because my want for a normal life almost locked me into a mentally abusive relationship. Going to try not to be blind in the future but normal is what I crave and I crave it badly enough to subject myself to such things. I’ve never felt so low about myself as I did with this man and I’m not really sure how long it’s going to take my self esteem to recover . I was a strong healthy female who no one could tell had a mental illness and in 2 months I’m down to a scared push over who wants to actually lay down on the floor kicking and screaming. I need to never stop taking care of myself. I know what my body needs to function and I wish I had more will power to push through the want to not take medication and to drink and party and have no health responsibilities.

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Last step to an eating disorder

In the last year I have lost 50 lbs. sure I deserve a congratulations for it because I lost it in a healthy way… But it might not have been has healthy as I preceived it in my mind. I’ve slowly have been going down hill. With my life suddenly being out of control I felt like I had to micro manage what I ate and anything I put in my body as a way to feel control over some part of my life. I slowly gained control again and felt comfortable eating foods I wanted too but never put on weight. Now that I’m lighter I have the worst self esteem I’ve had in my life. When I was “chubby” I got so much attention I was happy and comfortable with myself. I was great in bed and now what am I? I’m an awkward unhappy girl who had a better body you would never notice because her personality is so hard to get along with. But now I have Austin the man I thought I was in love with but now see as someone who might push to be a compulsive exerciser and I already feel completely guilty for eating foods not that bad….