I’m really bad at loosing track of time or really just having no concept of time. Two weeks can feel like a year and at the same time over a year ago can feel like yesterday. Today I actually sat down and looked. It felt like what I had with Austin went on forever but it was just 3 months and the first month I didn’t even take seriously . After my shower today though I was thinking about June 2nd, July 2nd and now today August 2nd. Oh how my world was completely different each month.
June I was so happy. Austin was in Hawaii but this was the man I feel heartbreak over the loss of. This man was attentive and we talked whenever we could. Only time I didn’t hear from him was when one of us was asleep. He cared about me and we shared what I thought was everything.
July 2nd I was realizing the Austin was actually a cold person who had severe mood swings and was annoyed easily. Constantly trying not to upset him I resorted to not talking at all. I hated him this week. We had gone up to grand lake, co my favorite place on earth and he pouted the whole time. On the way back I asked him to stay with friends only then learning he had no friends in which he could stay with which he used before he came out to make me comfortable with allowing him to stay with me. I should have stuck to my gut then and told him to leave it would have been easier then.
Now today August 2nd where am I ? Still in Colorado and beyond confused as to where my life is heading. I again am putting in my two weeks notice for a move . Quite embarrassing considering I did this a month ago and even received going away gifts and parties. This time I’ve decided to move to Nebraska. I’m amazed at the reactions to it from those around me. No one liked Austin but they were excited for my move to Hawaii and now that its Nebraska I get the response of “there’s nothing there you’ll hate it” I’m moving there for my cousin, my best friend. I want to have someone except the love I give and maybe give it back. I need a life with love not a lonely one where I’m so unhappy I consider moving to an island with an emotionally abusive guy who knows nothing about me.
What my life now is is just a cluster fuck of confusion and wanting. I never try at relationships/ friendships and I put so much effort and energy into Austin that I’m just trying to push myself to still do this. Not all first tries work out I tell myself but I’m exhausted and want it to be over. Like I said in the last post I want to die but I’m not suicidal and that’s one weird feeling.
I started to think of what I was doing differently when I was so happy back in 2012. I was somewhat believing in god. I say somewhat because there’s a doubt all of my family members that are verbal around me are strict atheists. So dealing with this crazy “breakup” situation I started talking to god again. I’m not even sure what to call this situation, I’m heart broke for sure but I’m not sure it’s from the loss of the relationship. I would say I was in love with the man I Skype with and talked to twenty-four seven through text with but Austin the guy who I picked up from the airport was an abusive man no sweetness like the Skype Austin. I was upset the day he landed I think I was mourning the relationship day he landed but now what am I so upset about? what am I asking god about? I’m asking him and hoping for help because this situation threw in my face how lonely and desperate I was for love. As long as Austin and I got married he was somewhat stuck with me right? even if I had to listen to how fat or out of rhythm I was? I was willing to deal with that for someone to be around. Today I’m pretty sick can barely do a thing so I’m in bed just thinking about how I have no one around me to comfort me in the slightest way. I can’t always resort to sex it’s not healthy. I have men who want to be with me but I keep them away. I guess I don’t even want to be loved I just want someone around? Austin moved a different Colorado girl back to Hawaii with him…wow a “week” alone and he found someone. I shouldn’t be hurt but I’ve been trying to be so strong for months now and I keep getting put down. God what am I still doing wrong?? I want to die but I’m not suicidal…its such a worse feeling at least when your suicidal you have a feeling like you have a plan and are going somewhere I just feel like i’m floating in the middle of nowhere.
I apologize for the poorly written blog I put up but I hope it helps some people I know it helps me for sure and I’m going to try to make a list of things people do enjoy about me because I have these things in my head that Austin had try to tear me down for and I think every single one of them had been given to me previously as a compliment.
-I only listen and dance to music like no one is watching
-I’m a very smart airhead
-I enjoy making myself look good
-Just a plain goofball
-Can find my own entertainment anywhere
-Stay positive no matter whats going on
-Been told I’m strong
-Run to feel clear headed
Seems like every time I hit a low low I’ve been pretending to be something or someone else in the weeks before. I thought I was in love with this man I previously mentioned but it was just me striving to be normal. While he was in town I tried to suppress every thing I knew about myself and bipolar. I want so badly for a normal life and to say I don’t suffer from bipolar but the fact is I do. We didn’t get along from the get go and I tried and tried to impress him with so called “normal” activity. I drank more in the last two week then in the last ten years of my life. So when that break up finally occurred yesterday did I handle it in a normal adult like way? Nope I acted like a kid kicking and screaming. If I was doing the same things to take care of myself as I have been doing in the last 2 years I would have been upset and just asked him to leave. I wasted all that money continuing to take my antipsychotics while drinking that much. My mental health pretty much went backwards and now he is gone and I’m scared as to how long the recovery period will be mentally from drinking so much. I’m glad he broke it off because my want for a normal life almost locked me into a mentally abusive relationship. Going to try not to be blind in the future but normal is what I crave and I crave it badly enough to subject myself to such things. I’ve never felt so low about myself as I did with this man and I’m not really sure how long it’s going to take my self esteem to recover . I was a strong healthy female who no one could tell had a mental illness and in 2 months I’m down to a scared push over who wants to actually lay down on the floor kicking and screaming. I need to never stop taking care of myself. I know what my body needs to function and I wish I had more will power to push through the want to not take medication and to drink and party and have no health responsibilities.
In the last year I have lost 50 lbs. sure I deserve a congratulations for it because I lost it in a healthy way… But it might not have been has healthy as I preceived it in my mind. I’ve slowly have been going down hill. With my life suddenly being out of control I felt like I had to micro manage what I ate and anything I put in my body as a way to feel control over some part of my life. I slowly gained control again and felt comfortable eating foods I wanted too but never put on weight. Now that I’m lighter I have the worst self esteem I’ve had in my life. When I was “chubby” I got so much attention I was happy and comfortable with myself. I was great in bed and now what am I? I’m an awkward unhappy girl who had a better body you would never notice because her personality is so hard to get along with. But now I have Austin the man I thought I was in love with but now see as someone who might push to be a compulsive exerciser and I already feel completely guilty for eating foods not that bad….
Thank you Lana Del Rey for getting that sad ass song stuck in my head. I feel like I’ve given up. Some how staying at my grandmas house tonight feels lower than picking at my vein with a sewing needle. Seriously I don’t know what to do. Tomorrow should be a brand new day. That’s all I keep telling myself. I have therapy at 11:00 am and a physiatrist appointment at 3:30. Dreading the 3:30 appointment, usually I have no problem with them but I’m not seeing the regular doctor. I’m seeing my moms. She most of the cause I feel. So maybe seeing her doctor will help? I sure hope so. Looking at the photo I posted earlier I’m disgusted! My eyes are so puffy from crying everyday! I’ve had to even by a new eye cream. I picked at my own veins! This is how I know I’m down hill! I care about my looks but mainly it’s because I don’t want a scar to stare at everyday to remind me I’m screwed up. God I hope this appointment changes something. FYI the Latuda I was so excited about apparently magnified the suicidal thoughts. I just want to change and if I have to deal with bipolar my whole life maybe i would be better off gone. Not really sure how I’m going to sleep.