Where’s the grey?

I feel like there’s no grey in my life. By that I mean I’m either one extreme or the other. Now I’m not talking about mood currently but more about lifestyle. I either love people or hate them. I either love life or hate it. I’m laying here wondering if I’ll ever love Joe the way I did in December and January or if that ship has sailed far far away. After a fight yesterday he told me that he believes we have the same view on life. Just him saying that made me think ignored. Has he heard anything about my life? We are so different and I don’t know why I see it but he doesn’t . I want to live in the middle of no where with someone special. I want to live off of the land and barely make a dime. I don’t have any desire to travel. He has to be around people. He has to impress people. He had to make lots of money and own lots of things. Why are we together??? He is the least caring person. I don’t know where to go. I clearly have something wrong with me because I don’t feel welcome to go back home but how did I find a man like this? Yesterday we got into a fight and he said we should end it. I agreed and freaked out and said we could work. Why does someone who shows no care for me want me around. I need to change my actions. Where is my mountain man?Where is my roofer? Where is my railroad worker? Where is a man that I can proudly call my man? I’m not looking for perfection actually I seem very attracted to a guy that doesn’t seem perfect… I’m lost

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Omaha April 2014

How did I end up here? I’m laying in a bed of a man I call my boyfriend. It’s a better relationship than the previous but really when I think about my happiness is it better? He can’t remember anything about me. He’s known me for months but with his weed induced memory he only has enough information to form a basic outline of my life. The same outline a stranger would draw. Tonight he asked me if I read… I’ve read in front of him. He then asked me what I read about , when I told him I read about history , medical history and pharmaceuticals he seemed impressed. Why so impressed? These are facts he should have known since day 2. He only can remember how many sexual partners I’ve had and that the last one in Colorado was a doctor. The guy meant nothing to me so why does he remember him ? I lay here wondering how I got myself in this mess or if it’s me who is pushing people away and making relationships fail. I don’t think I was ever addicted to sex I was addicted to attention. I text nick and his friends just wanting them to say something about my looks. I try not to blame things on my bipolar but the feeling of being from a far galaxy still is so strong. Will I ever have a human connection with someone?

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Bipolar so settle?

So I’ve been in Omaha since august now. I did get hospitalized in December and got some really good therapy but now ive been back and am not really getting good therapy at all. I’m in a relationship now with a man I do believe I love but each day I do think multiple times “Am I settling?” “Can I get better?”. He is very caring some of the time but there are times where I feel like an alien.
Joe comes from a different world. Its like a movie. two different types of people coming together to make a couple. He has seen no human suffering. The worst thing about his child hood was hearing his parents fight. I’m jealous. I wish that’s all I experienced negatively has a child. I wish I wasn’t left alone I wish I had an education. He makes a big deal to me about getting a college education and he asks like I haven’t worked for anything I have. Its hard just to get through day to day life. Battling thoughts in my head and my goal in life is to be happy and have enough money to eat and have a house. He wants to travel and “make a difference” his idea of that is to help people with sustainability. That seems like non sense to me. Yes we all shouldn’t take more than we need but this comes from a man who owns every new electronic, owns and smokes out of $1,000 + bongs and will only eat organic foods. I just cant see him making much of a difference.
I wonder am I settling? I get my feelings hurt daily by him but I can tell he cares. When we talk about things though I cant believe how different our worlds have been. I work so hard at life and he thinks ive been slacking. I don’t want him to feel bad for me but id like for him to awknowledge where I come from and that I work hard to live.
i’m too exhausted to edit this but want to post it so I apologize now

Go to the gym…

That will fix you right up! Lol not. As someone with bipolar I hear this a lot. Don’t get me wrong exercise helps me quite and bit and I’m all for it but since being I’m Nebraska (yea moved here instead of Hawaii) I’ve been rabid cycling. This is a total shock of having no support system here and going through this. I told the guy I’ve bed hanging out with I was having issues. Felt he deserved and explanation since I had freaked out on him a few times already. His response was I needed to change my thoughts and exercise. He is sweet and I know he meant well but if you’ve dealt with bipolar you know it’s a little or ok let’s say it how it is ALOT more than just changing your thoughts and exercising. Why would I sabotage my own life? Few months back I was under control and the happiest I could be… There’s no way I would choose this state of mine over that. Sadly I still wasn’t great but not dealing with any huge thoughts that had no basis for thinking about. No support system though and as much as it kills me because she’s screwed me over and overly babies me at least mom realizes I can’t control it at all at some points. She seems to think it’s all the time but at least she has some understanding of what I deal with and how hard I try.

What is a compliment?

5e854ace1c41ff3afe31ff66716e6d77I’m not ashamed to admit that I enjoy sex and I am diagnosed with a mental illness but I find it very strange at what things I take as compliments and things that give me little boosts of self-esteem in social and romantic situations. Way back in february , March and April I was sleeping with a man just for fun no strings attached. Since my breakup with Austin I had not seen this man. I saw him this morning, We drove to another girls house and it was a long car ride it was nice even though I can not stand to have long conversations with people im sleeping with. He said one thing that I couldn’t believe how good I felt about. I don’t think its something that I should take badly any way I think it was a true compliment.

What he said was this girl’s house we were driving to was the only girl he was sleeping with that wasn’t extremely crazy. I giggled and he said “I’m not calling you extremely crazy you take care of yourself. These other women try to be manipulative and with you you have a bad day and realize it and the next day apologize. you know you have an illness and you take care of it. these other girls don’t even realize their crazy. They think the world around them is crazy.”

I understand I’ve got an illness and I’m not going to try to feel bad about it and I try so hard to let my friends know because I want them to know how sincere I am when I apologize. With this man I had only one bad day with him and I had talked to him daily for 3 months. I find that to be impressive. Its funny I did so well around this guy when I finally had that bad day back in May and I apologized and said I was bipolar he didn’t even believe me. This man is a doctor and he couldn’t even believe I had that diagnosis. He didn’t realize till he saw my meds I wasn’t lying and that I was seen regularly and that’s why he couldn’t tell months into the friendship that I was bipolar. Point is I think when people around me acknowledge how much I do for my health its an extremely big compliment. For someone who practices medicine not to notice for months I had an issue makes me light up. I also feel sadness for how fast I crumbled in July but a fast fall with bipolar can also be followed by a fast recovery and I have felt that’s the direction I’m going in.

Lonely girl

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I started to think of what I was doing differently when I was so happy back in 2012. I was somewhat believing in god. I say somewhat because there’s a doubt all of my family members that are verbal around me are strict atheists. So dealing with this crazy “breakup” situation I started talking to god again. I’m not even sure what to call this situation, I’m heart broke for sure but I’m not sure it’s from the loss of the relationship. I would say I was in love with the man I Skype with and talked to twenty-four seven through text with but Austin the guy who I picked up from the airport was an abusive man no sweetness like the Skype Austin. I was upset the day he landed I think I was mourning the relationship day he landed but now what am I so upset about? what am I asking god about? I’m asking him and hoping for help because this situation threw in my face how lonely and desperate I was for love. As long as Austin and I got married he was somewhat stuck with me right? even if I had to listen to how fat or out of rhythm I was? I was willing to deal with that for someone to be around. Today I’m pretty sick can barely do a thing so I’m in bed just thinking about how I have no one around me to comfort me in the slightest way. I can’t always resort to sex it’s not healthy. I have men who want to be with me but I keep them away. I guess I don’t even want to be loved I just want someone around? Austin moved a different Colorado girl back to Hawaii with him…wow a “week” alone and he found someone. I shouldn’t be hurt but I’ve been trying to be so strong for months now and I keep getting put down. God what am I still doing wrong?? I want to die but I’m not suicidal…its such a worse feeling at least when your suicidal you have a feeling like you have a plan and are going somewhere I just feel like i’m floating in the middle of nowhere.

I apologize for the poorly written blog I put up but I hope it helps some people I know it helps me for sure and I’m going to try to make a list of things people do enjoy about me because I have these things in my head that Austin had try to tear me down for and I think every single one of them had been given to me previously as a compliment.

-I only listen and dance to music like no one is watching
-I’m a very smart airhead
-I enjoy making myself look good
-Just a plain goofball
-Can find my own entertainment anywhere
-Stay positive no matter whats going on
-Been told I’m strong
-Eat right
-Run to feel clear headed

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Sad attempt

Recent events in my life have made me wonder how stubborn I really am or maybe how much I want to relive how my great great grand parents possibly lived. This military man came across me quite a few months ago and I didn’t really think twice. He lives in Hawaiie I’m Colorado what is there to think about? He was talking marriage already and while it sounded cool I still was living with my parents completely unaware of what was to come in the months to come. You all should have read the update on my family. Pretty much I left to fend for my own in February because of mental abuse and betrayal. So lets see march through beginning of march went by fine then my work started screwing with my hours. All of a sudden my joke that this man was going to save me became an actual idea in my head. He bought a plane ticket out.
So let me tell you were I am now. We are driving back from buying HIM new clothes. Still in Colorado spending almost 100% of the day together and it’s awful . He’s bought a plane ticket and the marriage is still planned. I can tell he doesn’t enjoy me much either but his mood swings are so severe I should just say fuck it. Every thing out of his mouth is an insult to me and I can never be right about anything… Even if I’m clearly right. This is where I’m trying to decide if I’m stubborn or if I just want to experience how marriage has been for thousands of years. Marriage was meant to benefit you that’s why they did it. The way this looks it should clearly benefit me and i would so much like to say that history and my love for it is the reason id go through harassment but I think it’s deep down because I’m stubborn. This is clearly a bad idea I’ve been having nighares about…. Why am I not backing out??

Wars all all different

Today I went to the funeral of my cousin. There is no reason she should be dead but i’m not sure about my feelings on it. I have a very strong belief that if you kill yourself its good because you obviously were going through enough pain in your life to want to end it and whats better for your loved one constant pain or bliss in heave? Now Paige’s death was not a suicide and really so far we have no cause but what they think happened is she took some bad drugs or too much.
What brings a human to do drugs is simple…theres pain somewhere in their life no matter if its physical or emotional pain. I know Paige went through a lot. She was a very strong woman and the last time I was able to sit and talk with her she had told me about some new mood medications she had started and how she was happier and feeling healthier. We didn’t talk to much that visit of mental illness but I know we’ve have gone through some of the same things. When I was 12 and tried to kill myself the whole family had ignored the incident while Paige on the other hand only 15 or 16 at the time brought it up very boldly with me. She said “I heard you tried to kill yourself. Don’t do that!” I still think about that phrase everytime I think of suicide. Every one always believes that not mentioning certain things will make it better but her voicing her clear disapproval of me helped me at the time and continues. This woman I compare to myself and say is the family member most closely like me is hardly to being like me. She makes me want to be a stronger friendlier person. We had that conversation about mood meds and I was so happy for her but at that point she was already such a strong soul. I like to bitch and complain about my life and what gets thrown at me but nothing compares to what was thrown at her…and she made it this far. She pushed and survived and I know if I went through even a portion of that I would have given up. Paige did not have a great childhood but she made her adult life work…it wasn’t what people usually expect but she took things as they came. There was no preventing this I think. She was so happy and healthy looking last time and I felt so loved by her. Amazing girl she always was smiling…we all have wars and although hers was pretty intense she always would respct and listen to yours, no judgement. I hope her death will help me force myself to be a better friend to people. She had enough love for her family and strangers. Though it was a weird death I do think her mind is better. I love her soo much and always will and wish I had seen her most. In these situations I realize where my anti social attitude has kept me from people I feel very comfortable around…even ones who out right love me and I have fun with.

this was a rambling and I didn’t want to spell check it…sorry guys

Never in Love

200408800-001Men and Women are not equals. As women we need to stop being delusional about that fact. Women believe that their worlds are so much better now that we have more “rights” but we have no more rights we lost rights. Men aren’t allowed to worship us like they used to. We are garbage to them now and there’s no use in keeping any woman around for a long period of time. Young men now have the impression that of they appreciate and take care of a woman everyone will think they are pussy whipped or a push over. They don’t have any reason to respect us because we have told them we can survive without them. We have told them we are strong enough to take care of ourselves and run families. delusional. Did these women who fought for all of this assume mother nature would change when the laws and culture did? Were men supposed to out of the blue begin to have babies? I really hope the woman thought about that but they must not of. So whats the end result of all of this? Disrespectful men who are disrespectful because they were brought up by a generation of moms who told them that women are strong and don’t need them. We are not equal to men in any kind of way. I love being a woman but I’m sorry ladies we are less than a man and you need to wake up although our grandmas messed it up for us all. We can not survive on our own and raise good children. Now we have television and horrible school systems raising our kids. Even if it’s not a single parent home if both parents are working where does that leave the child? id say less than a single parent. We are just going to have dumb and dumber generations being popped out. I’m 23 and all I want to do is find me and man who will marry me and take care of me and in return ill take care of him and his house and maybe children if we are lucky enough but all I find our deadbeats who want me to pay for everything because I make more or college educated guys who want me to have more schooling. I’m a woman I was made to make babies and I’m not the brightest but I could hold an intelligent conversation with a man I don’t feel I need more education to get a man just so I can eventually tell him if I have kids im not working. Looking at what I was given to work with I can’t see how I was born in 1989. I can cook and clean and I would love to take care of a man but I live in a society where I get torn apart just saying I would like to stay at home if I had kids. LISTEN LADIES STOP FANTASING ABOUT LOVE AND REALIZE BEING TAKEN CARE OF IS MORE IMPORTANT. Get off your high horses because saying you can do these things on your own is just like shooting yourself in the foot. Men were made for certain activities and women were made for certain activities. It’s in our chemistry. So now after this huge rant I should go to bed but anyways I’m just me Sarah looking to have a man take care of me…I could care less about being IN love with him.