Recent events in my life have made me wonder how stubborn I really am or maybe how much I want to relive how my great great grand parents possibly lived. This military man came across me quite a few months ago and I didn’t really think twice. He lives in Hawaiie I’m Colorado what is there to think about? He was talking marriage already and while it sounded cool I still was living with my parents completely unaware of what was to come in the months to come. You all should have read the update on my family. Pretty much I left to fend for my own in February because of mental abuse and betrayal. So lets see march through beginning of march went by fine then my work started screwing with my hours. All of a sudden my joke that this man was going to save me became an actual idea in my head. He bought a plane ticket out.
So let me tell you were I am now. We are driving back from buying HIM new clothes. Still in Colorado spending almost 100% of the day together and it’s awful . He’s bought a plane ticket and the marriage is still planned. I can tell he doesn’t enjoy me much either but his mood swings are so severe I should just say fuck it. Every thing out of his mouth is an insult to me and I can never be right about anything… Even if I’m clearly right. This is where I’m trying to decide if I’m stubborn or if I just want to experience how marriage has been for thousands of years. Marriage was meant to benefit you that’s why they did it. The way this looks it should clearly benefit me and i would so much like to say that history and my love for it is the reason id go through harassment but I think it’s deep down because I’m stubborn. This is clearly a bad idea I’ve been having nighares about…. Why am I not backing out??
Today I went to the funeral of my cousin. There is no reason she should be dead but i’m not sure about my feelings on it. I have a very strong belief that if you kill yourself its good because you obviously were going through enough pain in your life to want to end it and whats better for your loved one constant pain or bliss in heave? Now Paige’s death was not a suicide and really so far we have no cause but what they think happened is she took some bad drugs or too much.
What brings a human to do drugs is simple…theres pain somewhere in their life no matter if its physical or emotional pain. I know Paige went through a lot. She was a very strong woman and the last time I was able to sit and talk with her she had told me about some new mood medications she had started and how she was happier and feeling healthier. We didn’t talk to much that visit of mental illness but I know we’ve have gone through some of the same things. When I was 12 and tried to kill myself the whole family had ignored the incident while Paige on the other hand only 15 or 16 at the time brought it up very boldly with me. She said “I heard you tried to kill yourself. Don’t do that!” I still think about that phrase everytime I think of suicide. Every one always believes that not mentioning certain things will make it better but her voicing her clear disapproval of me helped me at the time and continues. This woman I compare to myself and say is the family member most closely like me is hardly to being like me. She makes me want to be a stronger friendlier person. We had that conversation about mood meds and I was so happy for her but at that point she was already such a strong soul. I like to bitch and complain about my life and what gets thrown at me but nothing compares to what was thrown at her…and she made it this far. She pushed and survived and I know if I went through even a portion of that I would have given up. Paige did not have a great childhood but she made her adult life work…it wasn’t what people usually expect but she took things as they came. There was no preventing this I think. She was so happy and healthy looking last time and I felt so loved by her. Amazing girl she always was smiling…we all have wars and although hers was pretty intense she always would respct and listen to yours, no judgement. I hope her death will help me force myself to be a better friend to people. She had enough love for her family and strangers. Though it was a weird death I do think her mind is better. I love her soo much and always will and wish I had seen her most. In these situations I realize where my anti social attitude has kept me from people I feel very comfortable around…even ones who out right love me and I have fun with.
this was a rambling and I didn’t want to spell check it…sorry guys
Men and Women are not equals. As women we need to stop being delusional about that fact. Women believe that their worlds are so much better now that we have more “rights” but we have no more rights we lost rights. Men aren’t allowed to worship us like they used to. We are garbage to them now and there’s no use in keeping any woman around for a long period of time. Young men now have the impression that of they appreciate and take care of a woman everyone will think they are pussy whipped or a push over. They don’t have any reason to respect us because we have told them we can survive without them. We have told them we are strong enough to take care of ourselves and run families. delusional. Did these women who fought for all of this assume mother nature would change when the laws and culture did? Were men supposed to out of the blue begin to have babies? I really hope the woman thought about that but they must not of. So whats the end result of all of this? Disrespectful men who are disrespectful because they were brought up by a generation of moms who told them that women are strong and don’t need them. We are not equal to men in any kind of way. I love being a woman but I’m sorry ladies we are less than a man and you need to wake up although our grandmas messed it up for us all. We can not survive on our own and raise good children. Now we have television and horrible school systems raising our kids. Even if it’s not a single parent home if both parents are working where does that leave the child? id say less than a single parent. We are just going to have dumb and dumber generations being popped out. I’m 23 and all I want to do is find me and man who will marry me and take care of me and in return ill take care of him and his house and maybe children if we are lucky enough but all I find our deadbeats who want me to pay for everything because I make more or college educated guys who want me to have more schooling. I’m a woman I was made to make babies and I’m not the brightest but I could hold an intelligent conversation with a man I don’t feel I need more education to get a man just so I can eventually tell him if I have kids im not working. Looking at what I was given to work with I can’t see how I was born in 1989. I can cook and clean and I would love to take care of a man but I live in a society where I get torn apart just saying I would like to stay at home if I had kids. LISTEN LADIES STOP FANTASING ABOUT LOVE AND REALIZE BEING TAKEN CARE OF IS MORE IMPORTANT. Get off your high horses because saying you can do these things on your own is just like shooting yourself in the foot. Men were made for certain activities and women were made for certain activities. It’s in our chemistry. So now after this huge rant I should go to bed but anyways I’m just me Sarah looking to have a man take care of me…I could care less about being IN love with him.
I have a view in my head of this perfect man. Now everyone knows that view in your head will never come 100 % true but I’m wondering if any of these qualities exist in a man at all. First off what I’m looking for in a relationship is just very contradicting of itself. I want a traditionalist man who will let me be my wild self. I want a man who is happy bringing home the money while I stay at home and cook, clean and raise the children but I also want a man who’s happy with my open beliefs and has very similar taste in the bedroom which are completely different and not traditional at all. This man I have in my head has a physical labor job and is very strong and handy but yet is also smarter than me. Is it some sick flaw I have that I want a man smarter than me? I love it when men are smart and can help me out. I have this view of a quiet biker man with rugged hair and somewhat a little dirty from work. I’m a very loud talkative person and I want a man that only talks when he has something important to say. Not outward overly loving but loving and you can tell by the way he talks. I want him proud of me and how I can cook and clean. how do you find a traditionalist anyway? This man in my head is perfectly fine with living in the country on an old farm. In my future married life I see a very simplified life that involves living off the land and only having what we need. Are children will have what the need to have fun but I want them to have games that revolve around education and to play instruments and music for fun instead of video games. I want tv to be a story to them not an everyday activity. The very sad thing about my future dreams is how hard it is to leave such a simple life in these times and how no one craves simplicity anymore.
So I was quite suicidal last weekend. Very much at my end. This weekend is a whole new story with a whole new heart. I moved out of my parents house Wednesday. Very last-minute finally found a place to live and begged for her to let me move in before March. I moved in Thursday while the room-mate was at work. Its only been a few days and I have clarity. I’ve written a whole list of great do able goals that will help me in the future. I can clearly view how my family was effecting my life so much. I can not believe how blind I was and how it only took such a short few days to realize that being away and maybe forever is the best way for me to stay as a high functioning person.
I always assumed that family was number one. With the events that have happened to me in the last year I have realized family is supposed to mean and be number one but that’s only if they are healthy for you. I’m going to keep family at number one but I’m changing what family members to stay connected with and it’s not anything I expected to do.
When my niece was born in December I knew that angel was going to change my life. I was out-of-state for the birth and it killed me but the mother and my brother are not together and the mother as a strong person looking after herself. She moved home to Utah instead of staying here with my brother whom she was still loved. Now that I have talked to the mother quite a bit since the birth I’m beyond happy. Shes the strong woman I needed in my life! I wanted so much to look up to my mother for the rest of my life, have my first baby with her there and even my wedding with her there but it’s not possible. All the manipulating shes does and possible drug use my new life is not going to have her in it. I will not have my children around her unattended. She has no idea how much poison she has fed me over the years. My own therapist had said some people don’t talk to their mothers. That was a shock to me. Therapists are always out to help you fix things aND this woman who has met my mother says this. Shocking to me but ive realized ive needed it.
My Mother has been someone I looked up to and have taken all of her advice. In March of 2011 I decided to make my only decision I had ever made for my health that I made completely alone. Since that March my mom has acted like I was very dumb and low. The choice I made was to have a thyroidectomy because I had been diagnosed with Graves disease and it was getting very hard to treat and also effecting the bipolar very negatively. The specialist I Had been seeing said this was about the quickest and best option at that point. MY mother wanted me to do radioactive iodine treatment to kill it off but it takes 3 months to complete with a lot of side effects were the surgery was supposed to a one stay in the night ordeal. She was angry before and even made me go in by myself. I cried in the waiting room alone before the surgery. I was alone and have never felt so alone. Surgery did not go as planned when I was coming out I had a thyroid storm and my heart had issues with blood pressure being high in the valves. I also could not absorb calcium which I had no idea what that had controlled till this time. My muscles would just stop moving and crap up and be very painful. The stay ended up being 8 nights in the intensive care unit. Sounds like a big ordeal and I really do think that was one of the most physical pain ive been in but I would never take it back. Smartest thing done for my health to date! My bipolar immediately got better and I felt wonderful everyday. I had never realized I felt so sick everyday but once feeling great I lost 50 lbs and started eating healthy and becoming active. I still feel great about this but I Know my mother is poison because of the fact I feel great and ive seen my bipolar completely controlled on low doses of meds when I lived with my grandma. The bipolar was very much effected by the surgery in a great way. I went from 600mg of Seroquel to 50 mgs. My lamictal went from 200 mgs to 100 mgs. such an insane change. My mother was never happy for me at this point. She has never said anything positive about the weight loss and still implies that I lost it because of med changes and not working hard by changing my nutrition. She constantly talks about my 8 days in the hospital and is appalled by me when I say but I feel amazing! so why should those 8 days matter to me?
Now let me move on to the main lady of my life right now, the positive part. KaiLee my niece was definitely sent to the family for a reason like I felt when she was born. A little angel and my new guardian angel. So far KaiLee has brought the strongest woman I know into my life. Her mother is my saving grace. I have love hr beyond any love I have actually felt for someone. So I will still have family as number one but now I can evaluate what family will be number one. KaiLee and Brittany are now my number one family. Brittany has been through so much by herself that she should have not have. My family has shown her very little acceptance and it pains me to see that. She had brought out KaiLee this weekend and my family has not spent their time with her with complete open arms. I know shes’ not having the best time here but I’m beyond grateful. I’ve been able to put better goals on paper and really get more pumped up about my new life in Utah that I will have soon. I have never had a girl friend that I cared about so much id do ANYTHING but I feel that is how Brittany is. just a wonderful person. I’m looking forward to creating my own family in Utah and experiencing it with Brittany and KaiLee. These girls have changed my life around so much. I feel completely different even with my thoughts. My future has never felt so easily changeable and I feel I am capable of completing all my new goals in the next year. I know I’m a hard-working person but ive had self-pity and I’m glad by vision has cleared.
The new enviroment and soon to be large environment change will help me. I will no longer be poor Sarah with her crazy bills and bipolar. My bills are not crazy I can handle them. it helps not having family telling you your screwed money wise daily. I will say I have bipolar but I will never say I am bipolar anymore because I’m not bipolar I’m a fun, caring and positive. no longer including my family in my life will be the biggest change. I will no longer have people I live with daily point out medical conditions I have. My body and health are private and don’t belong to family.
So much love in my heart these days.
As you can see its snowing a lot so thanks for getting through that giant read guys!
So I can already see myself on Dr. Phil saying I swear I didn’t mean to become a porn star I was just so bipolar. Ok, so maybe I wouldn’t I just like thinking dramatically. I’m usually this hyper sexual when I’m balanced but it seems when I’m not balanced like now I make some insane decisions. I started a tumblr where I pretty much only post semi nudes of myself. probably would have done that before but I have been posting without thinking. Would have been smarter before maybe? more Secret with my tattoos showing? Not sure in some way I want people to look at me naked. I’m so proud of my body and seem to be the only woman who is. Even when I was 50 lbs heavier I loved my body and felt sexy. Maybe it has something to do with the red hair…come on I’m 99% of the straight males fantasy. not even lying. I mean I knew men had a thing for red heads but not till I started online dating WOAH men insanely sexualize redheads in every kind of way. thank goodness I’m a perv.
Thank you Lana Del Rey for getting that sad ass song stuck in my head. I feel like I’ve given up. Some how staying at my grandmas house tonight feels lower than picking at my vein with a sewing needle. Seriously I don’t know what to do. Tomorrow should be a brand new day. That’s all I keep telling myself. I have therapy at 11:00 am and a physiatrist appointment at 3:30. Dreading the 3:30 appointment, usually I have no problem with them but I’m not seeing the regular doctor. I’m seeing my moms. She most of the cause I feel. So maybe seeing her doctor will help? I sure hope so. Looking at the photo I posted earlier I’m disgusted! My eyes are so puffy from crying everyday! I’ve had to even by a new eye cream. I picked at my own veins! This is how I know I’m down hill! I care about my looks but mainly it’s because I don’t want a scar to stare at everyday to remind me I’m screwed up. God I hope this appointment changes something. FYI the Latuda I was so excited about apparently magnified the suicidal thoughts. I just want to change and if I have to deal with bipolar my whole life maybe i would be better off gone. Not really sure how I’m going to sleep.
So this is what I started the blog for. Finally got around to it!
So as a natural redhead we pretty much have no advice out there for us whether its makeup, hair styles or clothing. I know the hairstyle category does not make sense to anyone who is not a redhead, but really there are some serious hairstyles we can not do. There are no tutorials for us and a lot of us don’t have mothers who are redheads to give us advice. So here are some of my tips and great makeup items that should be a must in your makeup bag. I’m going to start with the most important.
Anastasia brow pencil in Strawburn (also brow powder in strawburn if you prefer a powder)
Everyday Minerals Soft bronzer
Everyday Minerals Semi or matte base
Clinque chubby stick in Heaping Hazelnut
Any great brown mascara
any great peachy blush (I love Maybelline dream bouncy in coffee cake)
Purple eyeliner or shadow ( sounds silly but when you want that “natural” look this works better than brown for us)
Also have a list of tips I’ve seen on websites, heard from friends or professional makeup artists that I think are flat-out wrong! I’m not sure they must be jealous and want us to look like clowns but I’ve heard some horrid things recommended to redheads.
Always wear black mascara (hello! way to harsh on us)
Never wear nudes it will wash you out ( Since when do you only apply a nude eyeshadow and nudes look great on us!)
Always wear pinks (peaches look much better on us)
You can’t wear bronzer its too dark and you’ll look dirty ( we all need sculpting, find the right shade!and make it matte)
I know there’s much more ive hear that has made me crinch but those are defiantly the top ones. If you’re having trouble finding a light enough shade for your face like I did try everydayminerals.com. they literally have like a million shades of fair. I wear fair neutral in a matte base. Very fair-skinned friendly makeup company and they offer 7 samples for a penny which I just love and it helped me find my perfect shade. Remember ladies we are extremely lucky to have our fair skin and red hair so embrace and love it. You have really earned it after all the shades we can’t wear and teasing we’ve endured.
I left my house Friday night on the intent of killing myself, Drove off with about 90 Ativan and was going to take all of them. Did I? No. I’m just a scary cat these days. I wont go to a party if it’s too late. I wont go to a bar if I think I might have one beer and I even wont go to a restaurant if they have no parking lot. So what happened when I got to the middle of nowhere to take those pills… I took 4 a whole 2 mg. Not a lethal dose at all. I did end up taking much more but pretty much something that would equal a prescribed dose.
I sat and thought about my attempt when I was 12 I think I remember it being on my moms birthday. how nice this would have been on my brother’s birthday. I do believe people who want to kill themselves have a right to it without people thinking their selfish but on someone else’s birthday is never a good idea. My brother sent me texts the whole time wanting me to come home. I just wanted to talk to my mom. Sure my brother makes me really want to kill myself from time to time but my mother makes me want to kill and kill myself. I should probably be banned from seeing my mom but yet with the little friends I have I’m stuck with her. she makes me feel like such an awful person and yet she has not said one thing about the Friday incident. She was the reason I went out.
A blog reaching out to victims of abuse and others in need, providing insight about abuse, hope for the future, and guidance to see THE LIGHT that lead Secret Angel out of the darkness of her own abusive situation and helped her to not only survive but to overcome.