Where’s the grey?

I feel like there’s no grey in my life. By that I mean I’m either one extreme or the other. Now I’m not talking about mood currently but more about lifestyle. I either love people or hate them. I either love life or hate it. I’m laying here wondering if I’ll ever love Joe the way I did in December and January or if that ship has sailed far far away. After a fight yesterday he told me that he believes we have the same view on life. Just him saying that made me think ignored. Has he heard anything about my life? We are so different and I don’t know why I see it but he doesn’t . I want to live in the middle of no where with someone special. I want to live off of the land and barely make a dime. I don’t have any desire to travel. He has to be around people. He has to impress people. He had to make lots of money and own lots of things. Why are we together??? He is the least caring person. I don’t know where to go. I clearly have something wrong with me because I don’t feel welcome to go back home but how did I find a man like this? Yesterday we got into a fight and he said we should end it. I agreed and freaked out and said we could work. Why does someone who shows no care for me want me around. I need to change my actions. Where is my mountain man?Where is my roofer? Where is my railroad worker? Where is a man that I can proudly call my man? I’m not looking for perfection actually I seem very attracted to a guy that doesn’t seem perfect… I’m lost

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Omaha April 2014

How did I end up here? I’m laying in a bed of a man I call my boyfriend. It’s a better relationship than the previous but really when I think about my happiness is it better? He can’t remember anything about me. He’s known me for months but with his weed induced memory he only has enough information to form a basic outline of my life. The same outline a stranger would draw. Tonight he asked me if I read… I’ve read in front of him. He then asked me what I read about , when I told him I read about history , medical history and pharmaceuticals he seemed impressed. Why so impressed? These are facts he should have known since day 2. He only can remember how many sexual partners I’ve had and that the last one in Colorado was a doctor. The guy meant nothing to me so why does he remember him ? I lay here wondering how I got myself in this mess or if it’s me who is pushing people away and making relationships fail. I don’t think I was ever addicted to sex I was addicted to attention. I text nick and his friends just wanting them to say something about my looks. I try not to blame things on my bipolar but the feeling of being from a far galaxy still is so strong. Will I ever have a human connection with someone?

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Bipolar so settle?

So I’ve been in Omaha since august now. I did get hospitalized in December and got some really good therapy but now ive been back and am not really getting good therapy at all. I’m in a relationship now with a man I do believe I love but each day I do think multiple times “Am I settling?” “Can I get better?”. He is very caring some of the time but there are times where I feel like an alien.
Joe comes from a different world. Its like a movie. two different types of people coming together to make a couple. He has seen no human suffering. The worst thing about his child hood was hearing his parents fight. I’m jealous. I wish that’s all I experienced negatively has a child. I wish I wasn’t left alone I wish I had an education. He makes a big deal to me about getting a college education and he asks like I haven’t worked for anything I have. Its hard just to get through day to day life. Battling thoughts in my head and my goal in life is to be happy and have enough money to eat and have a house. He wants to travel and “make a difference” his idea of that is to help people with sustainability. That seems like non sense to me. Yes we all shouldn’t take more than we need but this comes from a man who owns every new electronic, owns and smokes out of $1,000 + bongs and will only eat organic foods. I just cant see him making much of a difference.
I wonder am I settling? I get my feelings hurt daily by him but I can tell he cares. When we talk about things though I cant believe how different our worlds have been. I work so hard at life and he thinks ive been slacking. I don’t want him to feel bad for me but id like for him to awknowledge where I come from and that I work hard to live.
i’m too exhausted to edit this but want to post it so I apologize now

Lonely girl

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I started to think of what I was doing differently when I was so happy back in 2012. I was somewhat believing in god. I say somewhat because there’s a doubt all of my family members that are verbal around me are strict atheists. So dealing with this crazy “breakup” situation I started talking to god again. I’m not even sure what to call this situation, I’m heart broke for sure but I’m not sure it’s from the loss of the relationship. I would say I was in love with the man I Skype with and talked to twenty-four seven through text with but Austin the guy who I picked up from the airport was an abusive man no sweetness like the Skype Austin. I was upset the day he landed I think I was mourning the relationship day he landed but now what am I so upset about? what am I asking god about? I’m asking him and hoping for help because this situation threw in my face how lonely and desperate I was for love. As long as Austin and I got married he was somewhat stuck with me right? even if I had to listen to how fat or out of rhythm I was? I was willing to deal with that for someone to be around. Today I’m pretty sick can barely do a thing so I’m in bed just thinking about how I have no one around me to comfort me in the slightest way. I can’t always resort to sex it’s not healthy. I have men who want to be with me but I keep them away. I guess I don’t even want to be loved I just want someone around? Austin moved a different Colorado girl back to Hawaii with him…wow a “week” alone and he found someone. I shouldn’t be hurt but I’ve been trying to be so strong for months now and I keep getting put down. God what am I still doing wrong?? I want to die but I’m not suicidal…its such a worse feeling at least when your suicidal you have a feeling like you have a plan and are going somewhere I just feel like i’m floating in the middle of nowhere.

I apologize for the poorly written blog I put up but I hope it helps some people I know it helps me for sure and I’m going to try to make a list of things people do enjoy about me because I have these things in my head that Austin had try to tear me down for and I think every single one of them had been given to me previously as a compliment.

-I only listen and dance to music like no one is watching
-I’m a very smart airhead
-I enjoy making myself look good
-Just a plain goofball
-Can find my own entertainment anywhere
-Stay positive no matter whats going on
-Been told I’m strong
-Eat right
-Run to feel clear headed

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Just pretending

Seems like every time I hit a low low I’ve been pretending to be something or someone else in the weeks before. I thought I was in love with this man I previously mentioned but it was just me striving to be normal. While he was in town I tried to suppress every thing I knew about myself and bipolar. I want so badly for a normal life and to say I don’t suffer from bipolar but the fact is I do. We didn’t get along from the get go and I tried and tried to impress him with so called “normal” activity. I drank more in the last two week then in the last ten years of my life. So when that break up finally occurred yesterday did I handle it in a normal adult like way? Nope I acted like a kid kicking and screaming. If I was doing the same things to take care of myself as I have been doing in the last 2 years I would have been upset and just asked him to leave. I wasted all that money continuing to take my antipsychotics while drinking that much. My mental health pretty much went backwards and now he is gone and I’m scared as to how long the recovery period will be mentally from drinking so much. I’m glad he broke it off because my want for a normal life almost locked me into a mentally abusive relationship. Going to try not to be blind in the future but normal is what I crave and I crave it badly enough to subject myself to such things. I’ve never felt so low about myself as I did with this man and I’m not really sure how long it’s going to take my self esteem to recover . I was a strong healthy female who no one could tell had a mental illness and in 2 months I’m down to a scared push over who wants to actually lay down on the floor kicking and screaming. I need to never stop taking care of myself. I know what my body needs to function and I wish I had more will power to push through the want to not take medication and to drink and party and have no health responsibilities.

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Enviroment

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The Angel

So I was quite suicidal last weekend. Very much at my end. This weekend is a whole new story with a whole new heart. I moved out of my parents house Wednesday. Very last-minute finally found a place to live and begged for her to let me move in before March. I moved in Thursday while the room-mate was at work. Its only been a few days and I have clarity. I’ve written a whole list of great do able goals that will help me in the future. I can clearly view how my family was effecting my life so much. I can not believe how blind I was and how it only took such a short few days to realize that being away and maybe forever is the best way for me to stay as a high functioning person.

I always assumed that family was number one. With the events that have happened to me in the last year I have realized family is supposed to mean and be number one but that’s only if they are healthy for you. I’m going to keep family at number one but I’m changing what family members to stay connected with and it’s not anything I expected to do.

When my niece was born in December I knew that angel was going to change my life. I was out-of-state for the birth and it killed me but the mother and my brother are not together and the mother as a strong person looking after herself. She moved home to Utah instead of staying here with my brother whom she was still loved. Now that I have talked to the mother quite a bit since the birth I’m beyond happy. Shes the strong woman I needed in my life! I wanted so much to look up to my mother for the rest of my life, have my first baby with her there and even my wedding with her there but it’s not possible. All the manipulating shes does and possible drug use my new life is not going to have her in it. I will not have my children around her unattended. She has no idea how much poison she has fed me over the years. My own therapist had said some people don’t talk to their mothers. That was a shock to me. Therapists are always out to help you fix things aND this woman who has met my mother says this. Shocking to me but ive realized ive needed it.

My Mother has been someone I looked up to and have taken all of her advice. In March of 2011 I decided to make my only decision I had ever made for my health that I made completely alone. Since that March my mom has acted like I was very dumb and low. The choice I made was to have a thyroidectomy because I had been diagnosed with Graves disease and it was getting very hard to treat and also effecting the bipolar very negatively. The specialist I Had been seeing said this was about the quickest and best option at that point. MY mother wanted me to do radioactive iodine treatment to kill it off but it takes 3 months to complete with a lot of side effects were the surgery was supposed to a one stay in the night ordeal. She was angry before and even made me go in by myself. I cried in the waiting room alone before the surgery. I was alone and have never felt so alone. Surgery did not go as planned when I was coming out I had a thyroid storm and my heart had issues with blood pressure being high in the valves. I also could not absorb calcium which I had no idea what that had controlled till this time. My muscles would just stop moving and crap up and be very painful. The stay ended up being 8 nights in the intensive care unit. Sounds like a big ordeal and I really do think that was one of the most physical pain ive been in but I would never take it back. Smartest thing done for my health to date! My bipolar immediately got better and I felt wonderful everyday. I had never realized I felt so sick everyday but once feeling great I lost 50 lbs and started eating healthy and becoming active. I still feel great about this but I Know my mother is poison because of the fact I feel great and ive seen my bipolar completely controlled on low doses of meds when I lived with my grandma. The bipolar was very much effected by the surgery in a great way. I went from 600mg of Seroquel to 50 mgs. My lamictal went from 200 mgs to 100 mgs. such an insane change. My mother was never happy for me at this point. She has never said anything positive about the weight loss and still implies that I lost it because of med changes and not working hard by changing my nutrition. She constantly talks about my 8 days in the hospital and is appalled by me when I say but I feel amazing! so why should those 8 days matter to me?

Now let me move on to the main lady of my life right now, the positive part. KaiLee my niece was definitely sent to the family for a reason like I felt when she was born. A little angel and my new guardian angel. So far KaiLee has brought the strongest woman I know into my life. Her mother is my saving grace. I have love hr beyond any love I have actually felt for someone. So I will still have family as number one but now I can evaluate what family will be number one. KaiLee and Brittany are now my number one family. Brittany has been through so much by herself that she should have not have. My family has shown her very little acceptance and it pains me to see that. She had brought out KaiLee this weekend and my family has not spent their time with her with complete open arms. I know shes’ not having the best time here but I’m beyond grateful. I’ve been able to put better goals on paper and really get more pumped up about my new life in Utah that I will have soon. I have never had a girl friend that I cared about so much id do ANYTHING but I feel that is how Brittany is. just a wonderful person. I’m looking forward to creating my own family in Utah and experiencing it with Brittany and KaiLee. These girls have changed my life around so much. I feel completely different even with my thoughts. My future has never felt so easily changeable and I feel I am capable of completing all my new goals in the next year. I know I’m a hard-working person but ive had self-pity and I’m glad by vision has cleared.

The new enviroment and soon to be large environment change will help me. I will no longer be poor Sarah with her crazy bills and bipolar. My bills are not crazy I can handle them. it helps not having family telling you your screwed money wise daily. I will say I have bipolar but I will never say I am bipolar anymore because I’m not bipolar I’m a fun, caring and positive. no longer including my family in my life will be the biggest change. I will no longer have people I live with daily point out medical conditions I have. My body and health are private and don’t belong to family.

So much love in my heart these days.

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As you can see its snowing a lot so thanks for getting through that giant read guys!

I’ve got a war in my mind

Thank you Lana Del Rey for getting that sad ass song stuck in my head. I feel like I’ve given up. Some how staying at my grandmas house tonight feels lower than picking at my vein with a sewing needle. Seriously I don’t know what to do. Tomorrow should be a brand new day. That’s all I keep telling myself. I have therapy at 11:00 am and a physiatrist appointment at 3:30. Dreading the 3:30 appointment, usually I have no problem with them but I’m not seeing the regular doctor. I’m seeing my moms. She most of the cause I feel. So maybe seeing her doctor will help? I sure hope so. Looking at the photo I posted earlier I’m disgusted! My eyes are so puffy from crying everyday! I’ve had to even by a new eye cream. I picked at my own veins! This is how I know I’m down hill! I care about my looks but mainly it’s because I don’t want a scar to stare at everyday to remind me I’m screwed up. God I hope this appointment changes something. FYI the Latuda I was so excited about apparently magnified the suicidal thoughts. I just want to change and if I have to deal with bipolar my whole life maybe i would be better off gone. Not really sure how I’m going to sleep.

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