I started to think of what I was doing differently when I was so happy back in 2012. I was somewhat believing in god. I say somewhat because there’s a doubt all of my family members that are verbal around me are strict atheists. So dealing with this crazy “breakup” situation I started talking to god again. I’m not even sure what to call this situation, I’m heart broke for sure but I’m not sure it’s from the loss of the relationship. I would say I was in love with the man I Skype with and talked to twenty-four seven through text with but Austin the guy who I picked up from the airport was an abusive man no sweetness like the Skype Austin. I was upset the day he landed I think I was mourning the relationship day he landed but now what am I so upset about? what am I asking god about? I’m asking him and hoping for help because this situation threw in my face how lonely and desperate I was for love. As long as Austin and I got married he was somewhat stuck with me right? even if I had to listen to how fat or out of rhythm I was? I was willing to deal with that for someone to be around. Today I’m pretty sick can barely do a thing so I’m in bed just thinking about how I have no one around me to comfort me in the slightest way. I can’t always resort to sex it’s not healthy. I have men who want to be with me but I keep them away. I guess I don’t even want to be loved I just want someone around? Austin moved a different Colorado girl back to Hawaii with him…wow a “week” alone and he found someone. I shouldn’t be hurt but I’ve been trying to be so strong for months now and I keep getting put down. God what am I still doing wrong?? I want to die but I’m not suicidal…its such a worse feeling at least when your suicidal you have a feeling like you have a plan and are going somewhere I just feel like i’m floating in the middle of nowhere.
I apologize for the poorly written blog I put up but I hope it helps some people I know it helps me for sure and I’m going to try to make a list of things people do enjoy about me because I have these things in my head that Austin had try to tear me down for and I think every single one of them had been given to me previously as a compliment.
-I only listen and dance to music like no one is watching
-I’m a very smart airhead
-I enjoy making myself look good
-Just a plain goofball
-Can find my own entertainment anywhere
-Stay positive no matter whats going on
-Been told I’m strong
-Run to feel clear headed