Omaha April 2014

How did I end up here? I’m laying in a bed of a man I call my boyfriend. It’s a better relationship than the previous but really when I think about my happiness is it better? He can’t remember anything about me. He’s known me for months but with his weed induced memory he only has enough information to form a basic outline of my life. The same outline a stranger would draw. Tonight he asked me if I read… I’ve read in front of him. He then asked me what I read about , when I told him I read about history , medical history and pharmaceuticals he seemed impressed. Why so impressed? These are facts he should have known since day 2. He only can remember how many sexual partners I’ve had and that the last one in Colorado was a doctor. The guy meant nothing to me so why does he remember him ? I lay here wondering how I got myself in this mess or if it’s me who is pushing people away and making relationships fail. I don’t think I was ever addicted to sex I was addicted to attention. I text nick and his friends just wanting them to say something about my looks. I try not to blame things on my bipolar but the feeling of being from a far galaxy still is so strong. Will I ever have a human connection with someone?

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Enviroment

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The Angel

So I was quite suicidal last weekend. Very much at my end. This weekend is a whole new story with a whole new heart. I moved out of my parents house Wednesday. Very last-minute finally found a place to live and begged for her to let me move in before March. I moved in Thursday while the room-mate was at work. Its only been a few days and I have clarity. I’ve written a whole list of great do able goals that will help me in the future. I can clearly view how my family was effecting my life so much. I can not believe how blind I was and how it only took such a short few days to realize that being away and maybe forever is the best way for me to stay as a high functioning person.

I always assumed that family was number one. With the events that have happened to me in the last year I have realized family is supposed to mean and be number one but that’s only if they are healthy for you. I’m going to keep family at number one but I’m changing what family members to stay connected with and it’s not anything I expected to do.

When my niece was born in December I knew that angel was going to change my life. I was out-of-state for the birth and it killed me but the mother and my brother are not together and the mother as a strong person looking after herself. She moved home to Utah instead of staying here with my brother whom she was still loved. Now that I have talked to the mother quite a bit since the birth I’m beyond happy. Shes the strong woman I needed in my life! I wanted so much to look up to my mother for the rest of my life, have my first baby with her there and even my wedding with her there but it’s not possible. All the manipulating shes does and possible drug use my new life is not going to have her in it. I will not have my children around her unattended. She has no idea how much poison she has fed me over the years. My own therapist had said some people don’t talk to their mothers. That was a shock to me. Therapists are always out to help you fix things aND this woman who has met my mother says this. Shocking to me but ive realized ive needed it.

My Mother has been someone I looked up to and have taken all of her advice. In March of 2011 I decided to make my only decision I had ever made for my health that I made completely alone. Since that March my mom has acted like I was very dumb and low. The choice I made was to have a thyroidectomy because I had been diagnosed with Graves disease and it was getting very hard to treat and also effecting the bipolar very negatively. The specialist I Had been seeing said this was about the quickest and best option at that point. MY mother wanted me to do radioactive iodine treatment to kill it off but it takes 3 months to complete with a lot of side effects were the surgery was supposed to a one stay in the night ordeal. She was angry before and even made me go in by myself. I cried in the waiting room alone before the surgery. I was alone and have never felt so alone. Surgery did not go as planned when I was coming out I had a thyroid storm and my heart had issues with blood pressure being high in the valves. I also could not absorb calcium which I had no idea what that had controlled till this time. My muscles would just stop moving and crap up and be very painful. The stay ended up being 8 nights in the intensive care unit. Sounds like a big ordeal and I really do think that was one of the most physical pain ive been in but I would never take it back. Smartest thing done for my health to date! My bipolar immediately got better and I felt wonderful everyday. I had never realized I felt so sick everyday but once feeling great I lost 50 lbs and started eating healthy and becoming active. I still feel great about this but I Know my mother is poison because of the fact I feel great and ive seen my bipolar completely controlled on low doses of meds when I lived with my grandma. The bipolar was very much effected by the surgery in a great way. I went from 600mg of Seroquel to 50 mgs. My lamictal went from 200 mgs to 100 mgs. such an insane change. My mother was never happy for me at this point. She has never said anything positive about the weight loss and still implies that I lost it because of med changes and not working hard by changing my nutrition. She constantly talks about my 8 days in the hospital and is appalled by me when I say but I feel amazing! so why should those 8 days matter to me?

Now let me move on to the main lady of my life right now, the positive part. KaiLee my niece was definitely sent to the family for a reason like I felt when she was born. A little angel and my new guardian angel. So far KaiLee has brought the strongest woman I know into my life. Her mother is my saving grace. I have love hr beyond any love I have actually felt for someone. So I will still have family as number one but now I can evaluate what family will be number one. KaiLee and Brittany are now my number one family. Brittany has been through so much by herself that she should have not have. My family has shown her very little acceptance and it pains me to see that. She had brought out KaiLee this weekend and my family has not spent their time with her with complete open arms. I know shes’ not having the best time here but I’m beyond grateful. I’ve been able to put better goals on paper and really get more pumped up about my new life in Utah that I will have soon. I have never had a girl friend that I cared about so much id do ANYTHING but I feel that is how Brittany is. just a wonderful person. I’m looking forward to creating my own family in Utah and experiencing it with Brittany and KaiLee. These girls have changed my life around so much. I feel completely different even with my thoughts. My future has never felt so easily changeable and I feel I am capable of completing all my new goals in the next year. I know I’m a hard-working person but ive had self-pity and I’m glad by vision has cleared.

The new enviroment and soon to be large environment change will help me. I will no longer be poor Sarah with her crazy bills and bipolar. My bills are not crazy I can handle them. it helps not having family telling you your screwed money wise daily. I will say I have bipolar but I will never say I am bipolar anymore because I’m not bipolar I’m a fun, caring and positive. no longer including my family in my life will be the biggest change. I will no longer have people I live with daily point out medical conditions I have. My body and health are private and don’t belong to family.

So much love in my heart these days.

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As you can see its snowing a lot so thanks for getting through that giant read guys!

Hated because of great qualities

So when I think about treating my bipolar it’s clearly for other people around me. I feel great when I’m going through most the ups and downs. The torturing thoughts of suicide only happen when I’m medicated and my brain is slowed down enough to have these thoughts manifest. The one time I did get very close to dying I wasnt medicated. You don’t think about it at all, you just do it. I’m often asked if I’m grateful I survived that attempt when I was 12. The answer is no. There has not been even one single moment where I was just overwhelmingly happy and grateful. I wish there was but also if I had died that night I wouldn’t have known what great or not so great things might happen in my future. My life clearly ends then and in my belief I move on to another life. The thought of being just plain happy seems out of my reach. I try very hard daily pushing myself to keep friendships and relationships showing people I care for them. A lot of times I do care for them but there’s no way for me to put it into words or actions enough for them to stick around. I constantly fight to find something to make me happy I know I can not expect God to just throw it at me but when I try I get pushed back deeper into a depression because it just alienates me. I get to feeling so alone and uncomfortable because I’m not so sure why I’m so uncomfortable or why these friends don’t understand where I’m coming from. The absolute only time I have felt myself completely comfortable with another human being is during sex. That does not seem to be a normal thing. girls are usually self-conscious in bed and often uncomfortable. Having sex has always been the most natural thing I’ve done.

Back to the suicide topic many people also say things like how would the people around you feel? Well let me tell you I’ve been medicated since 12 going through med changes which are just the devil and then usually for years continuously on one med combination (that’s the lovely bipolar thing…yippy you have to have a cocktail of multiple meds :/ ) During either one of those stages I would have to say it’s not fun. 2011-2012 was a time I got really healthy. I lost 50 lbs ( all gained by Seroquel ) started eating very healthy and exerciseing regularly. I had very few mood swings, I’m talking 2 in that whole period. Thats a miracle for me who still throws temper tantrums at 23, yea real proud of that. During that whole time of being the healthiest I had been I still had to deal with depression which I’m usually quite manic but depression was just overwhelming. And it wasnt that my chemicals were all out of whack it was the fact that I still have to deal with fucked up thoughts and not feeling comfortable around any human beings. The depression that started last year has been the worst. I could fully understand the situation because i was on low doses of meds and my head was clear. I had complete understanding that my life was shitty and was never going to be easy. This isn’t self-pity I’m sure anyone with a mental illness could tell you no matter how much your life is going well your brain, body and thoughts are working against you constantly. It gets really hard to fight them back sometimes. So my thoughts when people tell me about how my relatives would feel and how it’s not fair to them makes me want to go through all this with them. My aunt died from cancer 11 years ago. I’m still mourning the loss and I love her but I’ve learned to move on even though she meant a lot to me. The rest of the family has the same feelings of love but again have gone back to normal life. So that was much pain to deal with but over a decade later we are dealing. If I offed myself I’m sure it might be a little less or maybe a little more morning ( my aunt was a god to everyone so probably less ) but the uncomfortable thoughts and lives they had to deal with over the past 10 years seem small to the thoughts I deal with every second of the day and most night with the constant nightmares I have. I rather have a short life then deal with 70 years of strain and struggle.

Hopefully on a good note even though I want to quit medications they are starting me on Latuda Monday. I’m pretty excited.