So I’ve been in Omaha since august now. I did get hospitalized in December and got some really good therapy but now ive been back and am not really getting good therapy at all. I’m in a relationship now with a man I do believe I love but each day I do think multiple times “Am I settling?” “Can I get better?”. He is very caring some of the time but there are times where I feel like an alien.
Joe comes from a different world. Its like a movie. two different types of people coming together to make a couple. He has seen no human suffering. The worst thing about his child hood was hearing his parents fight. I’m jealous. I wish that’s all I experienced negatively has a child. I wish I wasn’t left alone I wish I had an education. He makes a big deal to me about getting a college education and he asks like I haven’t worked for anything I have. Its hard just to get through day to day life. Battling thoughts in my head and my goal in life is to be happy and have enough money to eat and have a house. He wants to travel and “make a difference” his idea of that is to help people with sustainability. That seems like non sense to me. Yes we all shouldn’t take more than we need but this comes from a man who owns every new electronic, owns and smokes out of $1,000 + bongs and will only eat organic foods. I just cant see him making much of a difference.
I wonder am I settling? I get my feelings hurt daily by him but I can tell he cares. When we talk about things though I cant believe how different our worlds have been. I work so hard at life and he thinks ive been slacking. I don’t want him to feel bad for me but id like for him to awknowledge where I come from and that I work hard to live.
i’m too exhausted to edit this but want to post it so I apologize now
Thank you Lana Del Rey for getting that sad ass song stuck in my head. I feel like I’ve given up. Some how staying at my grandmas house tonight feels lower than picking at my vein with a sewing needle. Seriously I don’t know what to do. Tomorrow should be a brand new day. That’s all I keep telling myself. I have therapy at 11:00 am and a physiatrist appointment at 3:30. Dreading the 3:30 appointment, usually I have no problem with them but I’m not seeing the regular doctor. I’m seeing my moms. She most of the cause I feel. So maybe seeing her doctor will help? I sure hope so. Looking at the photo I posted earlier I’m disgusted! My eyes are so puffy from crying everyday! I’ve had to even by a new eye cream. I picked at my own veins! This is how I know I’m down hill! I care about my looks but mainly it’s because I don’t want a scar to stare at everyday to remind me I’m screwed up. God I hope this appointment changes something. FYI the Latuda I was so excited about apparently magnified the suicidal thoughts. I just want to change and if I have to deal with bipolar my whole life maybe i would be better off gone. Not really sure how I’m going to sleep.
I left my house Friday night on the intent of killing myself, Drove off with about 90 Ativan and was going to take all of them. Did I? No. I’m just a scary cat these days. I wont go to a party if it’s too late. I wont go to a bar if I think I might have one beer and I even wont go to a restaurant if they have no parking lot. So what happened when I got to the middle of nowhere to take those pills… I took 4 a whole 2 mg. Not a lethal dose at all. I did end up taking much more but pretty much something that would equal a prescribed dose.
I sat and thought about my attempt when I was 12 I think I remember it being on my moms birthday. how nice this would have been on my brother’s birthday. I do believe people who want to kill themselves have a right to it without people thinking their selfish but on someone else’s birthday is never a good idea. My brother sent me texts the whole time wanting me to come home. I just wanted to talk to my mom. Sure my brother makes me really want to kill myself from time to time but my mother makes me want to kill and kill myself. I should probably be banned from seeing my mom but yet with the little friends I have I’m stuck with her. she makes me feel like such an awful person and yet she has not said one thing about the Friday incident. She was the reason I went out.
So when I think about treating my bipolar it’s clearly for other people around me. I feel great when I’m going through most the ups and downs. The torturing thoughts of suicide only happen when I’m medicated and my brain is slowed down enough to have these thoughts manifest. The one time I did get very close to dying I wasnt medicated. You don’t think about it at all, you just do it. I’m often asked if I’m grateful I survived that attempt when I was 12. The answer is no. There has not been even one single moment where I was just overwhelmingly happy and grateful. I wish there was but also if I had died that night I wouldn’t have known what great or not so great things might happen in my future. My life clearly ends then and in my belief I move on to another life. The thought of being just plain happy seems out of my reach. I try very hard daily pushing myself to keep friendships and relationships showing people I care for them. A lot of times I do care for them but there’s no way for me to put it into words or actions enough for them to stick around. I constantly fight to find something to make me happy I know I can not expect God to just throw it at me but when I try I get pushed back deeper into a depression because it just alienates me. I get to feeling so alone and uncomfortable because I’m not so sure why I’m so uncomfortable or why these friends don’t understand where I’m coming from. The absolute only time I have felt myself completely comfortable with another human being is during sex. That does not seem to be a normal thing. girls are usually self-conscious in bed and often uncomfortable. Having sex has always been the most natural thing I’ve done.
Back to the suicide topic many people also say things like how would the people around you feel? Well let me tell you I’ve been medicated since 12 going through med changes which are just the devil and then usually for years continuously on one med combination (that’s the lovely bipolar thing…yippy you have to have a cocktail of multiple meds ) During either one of those stages I would have to say it’s not fun. 2011-2012 was a time I got really healthy. I lost 50 lbs ( all gained by Seroquel ) started eating very healthy and exerciseing regularly. I had very few mood swings, I’m talking 2 in that whole period. Thats a miracle for me who still throws temper tantrums at 23, yea real proud of that. During that whole time of being the healthiest I had been I still had to deal with depression which I’m usually quite manic but depression was just overwhelming. And it wasnt that my chemicals were all out of whack it was the fact that I still have to deal with fucked up thoughts and not feeling comfortable around any human beings. The depression that started last year has been the worst. I could fully understand the situation because i was on low doses of meds and my head was clear. I had complete understanding that my life was shitty and was never going to be easy. This isn’t self-pity I’m sure anyone with a mental illness could tell you no matter how much your life is going well your brain, body and thoughts are working against you constantly. It gets really hard to fight them back sometimes. So my thoughts when people tell me about how my relatives would feel and how it’s not fair to them makes me want to go through all this with them. My aunt died from cancer 11 years ago. I’m still mourning the loss and I love her but I’ve learned to move on even though she meant a lot to me. The rest of the family has the same feelings of love but again have gone back to normal life. So that was much pain to deal with but over a decade later we are dealing. If I offed myself I’m sure it might be a little less or maybe a little more morning ( my aunt was a god to everyone so probably less ) but the uncomfortable thoughts and lives they had to deal with over the past 10 years seem small to the thoughts I deal with every second of the day and most night with the constant nightmares I have. I rather have a short life then deal with 70 years of strain and struggle.
Hopefully on a good note even though I want to quit medications they are starting me on Latuda Monday. I’m pretty excited.
One thing I can never understand about myself are my feelings for the past. Looking at an image of someone in the 30s during the dust bowl makes me more emotional than seeing any images of the theater shooting. I grew up going there quite a bit as a teen and for some reason I dont feel any kind of sadness. It might be a be the biggest flaw I have. There is no connection with my peers. I’m not sure why we as a society are shocked when we see crimes like that. Human beings have been awful for their whole existance. We’ve tortured each other, we’ve killed each other, we’ve raped each other and we always have so why does it still shock everyone.
I deal with bipolar, maybe other mental illnesses but for the most part I’m what they call “high” functioning. I’m not so sure I am. I work in a pharmacy and I have no control over things I think. Many times I get compliments on how happy and peppy I am. I’m usually having suicidal thoughts. Even when I’m not trying to kill myself i’m constantly obssesing and filing away ideas on how to off myself. Constantly making the thoughts on suicide sound more dreamy and romantic in my head than getting married in the future. I’ve done this since I can remember. I don’t really have any memories before 12 so maybe I haven’t been a creep for too long.
Besides my constant thoughts of suicide I’m constantly thinking about sex. Its quite irritating. I’m sure there might only be a little percentage of people on this planet that literally think of sex with every person they see. Well not really sex with them but if I would have sex with them. My brain is just a huge slide show of things people don’t really wish to see. As a redhead I seem to think I have earned some right to act like a complete princess. I have though in a way. Woman love my hair and think all the comments that get said about my hair are just about how lovely the shade is but thats not how most men see it. Since 13 i’ve always have had the most perverted things said to me about my hair and my pupic hair. I embrace some but its quite disturbing for someone that your ringing up at your job to tell you your probably good in bed. I need to start making money off that weird shit…anyone want to buy my panties?
A blog reaching out to victims of abuse and others in need, providing insight about abuse, hope for the future, and guidance to see THE LIGHT that lead Secret Angel out of the darkness of her own abusive situation and helped her to not only survive but to overcome.